Re: The Orioles' Offseason

Happy New Years everyone!  I realize I'm a month late, but I've been really wrapped up in this contested Ivory Coast election.  Who will come out as the victor?  Gbagbo or Ouattara?  Ouattara or Gbagbo?  It's so exciting, I'm sure you've been crazy about it as well.  And those UN sanctions?!  That Ban Ki-Moon is quite a rigid Secretary General!  But I digress, I know if I get my readers stuck on this topic we'll never get down to brass tacks.

Anyways, the ORIOLES!  Hey, not a bad offseason, huh?  Not a great one, mind you.  I haven't booked my plane tickets into BWI for late October, but let's hear it for a winning season!  We have some promise for 2011.  I am at times perplexed with Andy MacPhail's strategy (or potential lack thereof), but with Mr. .596 (Buck Showalter's winning percentage with the O's) calling a lot of the shots, I'm for any changes deemed necessary.  In case you've spent the winter hibernating (or rioting in Egypt), here's a breakdown of our offseason moves:

The Boppers – Mark Reynolds, Derrek Lee, and (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE) maybe Vladimir Guerrero (knock on wood, cross your fingers, do a rain dance).  The Vlad deal is still in the works.  We've offered $4 million with some flex to maybe go $5 million.  Vlad made $6.5 last year, rebounding from a down year to 29 homers and a .300 average.  If he signs to play DH for us, Luke "Nobama" Scott would move to left field.  Scott led the club with 27 bombs last year.

Mark Reynolds will be manning third base.  Yeah, yeah, detractors can laugh at his eye-popping strikeout totals and sub-Mendoza-line batting average, but he hit 32 homers last year, and 44 the year before that.  We gave up two dead-end relief pitching scrubs, so I'll take it for now until Josh Bell proves himself to be MLB ready.

And how about upgrading from a completely vacant first base position to Silver Slugger Derrek Lee?  He had an injured thumb last year and still hit 19 homers.  He'll be good for 25 this year.  With the addition of Reynolds and Lee at the corners, and maybe Vlad at DH, we're looking at potentially 90 more homers for 2011.  I understand that home runs don't always directly correlate with more wins, but they don't hurt.  Plus, it might get a few more butts in the seats.  I'm sure Peter Angelos could use the money. 

The Hurlers – Justin Duchscherer, Kevin Gregg, Jeremy Guthrie, and Koji Uehara.  Ok, the Stormin' Mormon and 'Mutton Chop' Uehara are no strangers to 333 West Camden Street, but we inked them both for a few more years and a few more dollars this winter.

Kevin Gregg is a solid pickup for the bullpen, as he made 63 appearances last year and threw for a 3.51 ERA.  We promised him he would close for us.  Let's hope he turns out better than the Mike 'Candy Arm' Gonzalez experiment from last year.  

Justin Duchscherer signed a deal with us today for a one-year contract.  He has a career 3.13 ERA, but has had more hip-surgeries than both my grandmas combined.  We got him for cheap, and he'll be handy in the back end of the rotation and allow some of our young studs to build up some experience down on the farm.  So, no, this isn't the 1971 squad with Jim Palmer, Pat Dobson, Dave McNally, and Mike Cueller (all 20 game winners that season), but these modest upgrades are improvements nonetheless. 

The Leathermen – JJ Hardy, Healthy Brian Roberts.  I thought Cesar Izturis was a good shortstop.  He's a Gold Glover and solid up the middle.  But he hit like a turd.  If you're going to bat .230 every year, I need to see more than 1 homer and 28 RBIs.  JJ Hardy is a nice upgrade who can hit in the .280 range and is a better-than-average fielder.  Let's hope Hardy can stay healthy.  

Speaking of healthy, how about the Orioles' Best Player of the Past Decade and my man-crush, Brian Roberts?  BRob says his back is feeling great and is pumped about the upgrades to the team.  The Birds will look pretty snazzy with Hardy and BRob turning two this season.  

I texted Nick "The Franchise" Markakis asking for his thoughts, but he has yet to get back to me.  His wife, Christina, called my lovely fiance Emily to chat, and reminded her that Nick was bear hunting in New Brunswick, Canada as per usual.  I guess he doesn't get cell service up there.  We all know he goes up there just so he can grow his mountain-man beard.

The Chaff – Troy Patton, Jeff Fiorentino, Nick Green, Mark Hendrickson, Brendan Harris, et al.  I debated about giving these chucklebuckets any acknowledgement at all, but I suppose that even the red-headed stepchildren of the world deserve a sentence or two written about them.  Let's see.  

Troy Patton is one of our few left-handed relievers, and the ONLY one to get a DWI this offseason.  Nice job, Troy!  

Jeff Fiorentino came back to the O's today, after playing in Japan with the Hiroshima Carp of the Central League and batting .246.  You can't make this stuff up, people!  Omedetou, Jeff!  

Journeyman utility infielder Nick Green signed a minor league deal with us this December, making Baltimore his ninth port of call.  Ninth time's a charm, Nick!  

Mark Hendrickson also signed a minor league deal with us today, after a stellar 1-6 record last year and a 5.36 ERA.  Good to have ya back, Mark!

Brendan Harris – I don't even know who you are, man.  The Twins just threw you in with the JJ Hardy deal and we were like, "eh, fine, we'll take him."

I'm sure there are other fine young men who made forgettable (obviously) signings with us this winter, but right now I'm drawing a blank.

The Pirates – Speaking of chaff, how about those Buccos?  First off, let me preface this with an analogy:

Have you ever dated a girl who turned out to be a complete sloppy nutcase, so you broke up?  Later on, you see that a guy who you can't stand has started dating her, so you smile to yourself, giddily imagining the mess he's unknowingly in and the misery to follow.  Yeah, that jerk you don't like is the Pirates, and that brick of a girl who makes Snooki out to be Marie Curie is GARRETT ATKINS.

If you really wanted to, you could pull up the column Mark wrote in November, ripping the Orioles', um, third baseman.  So guess who was Pittsburgh's big acquisition this winter?  None other than the 1 home run, 9 RBI, .214 batting average bust that was Garrett Bernard Atkins.  Wow, I wonder who has the leg up on the Case Race this year?

I can taste that Natty Boh's now.

The Pirates came so close to picking up Derek Jeter.  Everyone thought it was a done deal until the Yankees curiously signed him. 

Analysis of the O’s Off-season Acquisitions

Dave said his next post was on the O’s recent acquisitions. I decided to beat him to the punch and give an objective view on the situation.

Derrek Lee:
Even with a new manager, the Orioles couldn’t help but sign at least one overpaid, over-the-hill veteran to their roster. Lee hit .260 last year and is expected to make around $10 million at age 35. Lee is a gold glove caliber first basemen. But, the question is if he has any “pop left in his bat”. The same question arose when the O’s signed Sosa, Palmeiro, and Tejada(the 2^nd time). Actually, their question was if there was any “juice left in the syringe?”

Mark Reynolds:
The good news for Reynolds is that he will not lead the NL in strikeouts in 2011, a title he has claim the last three seasons. The bad news is that he will surely lead the AL in strikeouts. Burn. He is the "Sultan of Swing-and-a-miss", the "King of the K,” and the "Colossus of Called Strike Three." (okay that last one was pretty weak, but I had to complete the Sandlot/Babe Ruth reference) Reynolds has the Major League record for most strikeouts in a season with 223 in 2009! In 2010, he became the quickest player to record 100 strikeouts after only 67 games. Also, he can’t field! As a third basemen, he has been in the top two in the league with errors the past three seasons.
Fortunately for Dave and O’s fans, the man can kill the ball. He hit 44 home runs in 2009 and has been ranked in the top 5 of at-bats per HR over the last two seasons. The Orioles got the power they wanted, but it came with some baggage.

JJ Hardy:
I’m not going to lie. I think JJ is a great pick up for the Orioles. I wish the Buccos would have picked him up. Maybe they are bitter that Hardy dominated the Pirates when he played for the Brewers. (He has a lifetime BA of .338 against us). If Hardy can stay healthy, he might be able to get back to his 2007/2008 form when he averaged .280/25/78 during the two seasons. Hardy is a great addition with plenty of upside in my opinion.

Kevin Gregg:
Gregg is a solid reliever that will help improve the worst bullpen in baseball. The best resume builder for Gregg is that he had an ERA of 3.51 with Toronto last year. He is familiar with the division and maybe he can give some tips to the Uehara on how to pitch to A-Rod. Cue the fireworks!

Who the O’s should have picked up:
Chien-Ming Wang was the Yankees ace for a couple years and almost won the Cy Young in 2006! He got injured and released. The Nats signed him for 2 million dollars. The jersey sales alone would have covered his salary. Also, it ruined my Christmas present for Dave…

The Hot Chick: Why I Strongly Dislike the Red Sox

You're at a party.  You're back in college; you're single and ready to mingle.  There's a group of three girls who are giving you some attention.  The conversations have been flirty and each chick has been making eyes at you (yeah, I realize how laughably unreal this scenario is, but let's humor the delusion for a while).  Throughout the night, you've discovered that each girl is from a different east coast city: Boston, Baltimore, and Pittsburgh.  

Quick, which one is the hot one?  Without any more information than their geographic upbringing, construct a mental picture of each girl.  Whose number do you want?  Which one is eh, so-so?  Which one do you stiff-arm and tell "I just remembered my car is illegally parked!"  You know who's who.  The Boston chick is the hot one.  She is smartly dressed in the telltale Burberry scarf tidily draped over her cardigan with Vineyard Vines twill pants.  Her hair is flowing, but still neatly in place.  Despite her prim and proper demeanor, the spark in her eye tells you she's trouble – and you are intrigued all the more. She has a refined air of condescension from those lavish summers spent sailing on the Cape and her semester-long stint of studying Indonesian pottery at an ivy-league institution. She's a looker and she knows it; she is the hot chick.

The Baltimorean is the satisfactory-looking friend.  She's nice, but quiet.  She's cute, but not breathtaking.  Jeans and a sweater get the job done; nothing fancy.  She kind of seems into you, but in the end you don't really click.  She's going to school at Towson, but you had never heard of it.  You try to keep the banter going, but her interest lags and is overwhelmed by the third member of the trifecta.

This third girl is from Pittsburgh, and she's got a half eaten squirrel hanging out of her mouth.  Her attire consists of a Roethlisberger jersey pulled over a hoody, sweatpants that say "Juicy" on the hind-end, and a battered pair of UGG boots.  She's loud and has the self-awareness of an anvil, with looks to match.  She hollers out a challenge; something about drinking you under the table.  Then she scoops you up and snaps a picture and promises to tag you on Facebook... where did that Bostonian trust fund babe get to?

What's the relevance of this scenario to... anything?  Well, tweak the characters slightly.  First, the guy you played in the story is named Adrian Gonzalez.  Instead of college coeds, the three suitors are the baseball teams:  the Boston Red Sox, the Baltimore Orioles, and the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Now it's starting to make sense.  Since 2004 and the advent of the Red Sox Nation, Boston is the hot choice for weak-minded group thinkers everywhere.  Boston's half a decade-long culture of winning has made the Sox an attractive option for players all over MLB.  The Red Sox's current beauty makes the Orioles appear uglier than they really are, and this league-wide perception that the O's perpetually belong with bottom-feeders like the Pirates causes our stock to fall even further.  Baltimore is really not that unpleasant, but our tough division, the enormous checkbooks of our rivals, and our association with ball clubs that haven't been relevant in centuries (sorry, Honus Wagner) overshadows our blossoming youth.  When you think about it, the Orioles are kind of like Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries; we just need the coaching of a seasoned leader (Julie Andrews/Buck Showalter) and some time to mature, and eventually we'll be the prettiest girl at the ball (aka make the playoffs).

Alright, all bizarre music videos and chick flicks aside, let me say this clearly: I strongly dislike the Boston Red Sox.  I don't hate them.  'Hate' is a powerful word that I reserve for the likes of al Qaeda, France, PETA, Lucifer, and the Yankees.  My level of disdain for the Sox is instead comparable to my feelings towards black jelly beans, poison ivy, New Jersey, and politicians.  The thorn in my side that is the Red Sox organization has become an infection in recent years, and has spread, leaving me bedridden and feverish the past few weeks.  The recent acquisition of Gold Glove first baseman and slugger, Adrian Gonzalez, along with raking outfield speedster Carl Crawford left the baseball world worried.  The Homeland Security's Threat Advisory Level was raised to Orange as a result of the elevated probability of an attack on the following metropolitan areas: Toronto, New York, Baltimore, and Tampa.

The Red Sox are to baseball what Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, and Miley Cyrus are to the music industry.  They are the flavor-of-the-month, trendy nonsense that the unkempt masses rush to for popularity's sake.   As a child of the 90s, I don't think I saw anyone wear a Boston Red Sox hat until my late high school years.  I never realized that the Red Sox were a popular team.  As an Orioles fan, I never really worried about the Mo Vaughn or Nomar Garciaparra or the rest of the Sox roster.  We were concerned solely with the Yankees.  But now, when I travel back home, the red "B" hats easily outnumber the orange "O's" hats.  Was there a mass migration of Bostonians to the mid-Atlantic region?  Did they finally come to the conclusion that Chesapeake Blue Crab tastes more succulent than New England Lobster?  What else could have been the catalyst which caused so many to find their "Yawkey" way?  Oh, right.  The Red Sox finally won a World Series in 2004.  Welcome back to relevance, it's only been 86 years.

And therein lies the chief source of my contempt for the Red Sox.  This "Nation" of "fans".  This recently coined term "Red Sox Nation" just boils my blood.  Yes, pudding brains will argue that the phrase was first penned in Boston's 1986 World Series flop, but it never stuck or became a part of everyday vernacular until the Sox finally won in 2004.  Since then, fans of role models like Big Papi (steroids), Manny Ramirez (steroids), and Pedro Martinez (cockfighting?) have been sprouting up from Tuscon to Tuscaloosa.  And can these bandwagoners really classified as "fans"?  Or do they love baseball in the same way that Justin Bieber fans appreciate a Portamento*?  Real connoisseurs. 

You know how to distinguish between a real fan who stays loyal through thick and thin and a guy who chooses the fashionable option?  When you ask him what team he likes, pause for a couple extra seconds after he answers.  Then, he'll expose himself.  Not in the Brett-Favre-text-message way, but often times they feel compelled to justify their fanship.  It'll go like this-

You: Hey, nice to meet ya.

"Fan": Nice to meet you too.

You: John said you're from Seattle.  Are you a big Mariners fan?

"Fan": Actually, I'm a Red Sox fan.

PAUSE

"Fan": Yeah, my grandma's second cousin's niece on my dad's side went to college at BU, and I've been a Sox fan ever since.

You: *speechless*

This happens all the time when it comes to Red Sox and Yankees fans.  Every Sox or Yankees fan from Illinois to Idaho gives you some sort of personal back story about why they're a fan.  They don't want to come across as phonies who rejected their childhood hometown teams just when the going got tough.  In order to sleep at night, they dish you a concocted sentence about how they've been a fan since the dawn of time rather than hopping on the "Nation's" wagon after heeding the call to "Cowboy Up".

Besides the manufactured "Red Sox Nation", another snag I have with the Sox is this David-versus-Goliath mentality when it comes to the Yankees spending a gazillion dollars on salaries.  It's hypocritical to dub the Yankees as the Evil Empire and complain about dominating the market when Boston has become an Evil Empire in itself.  As of December 9th, the Red Sox had $594.75 million in salary commitments through 2018.  The Yankees have $613.28 million, just 3% more.  Here's a quote from USA Today to put that money in perspective with the rest of the AL East:

"The Yankees and Red Sox, alone, have 16 players who will earn at least $9 million in salary next season. The rest of the AL East division has just three players with that distinction."

What?!  Talk about disparity.  The only player that the Orioles are paying more than $9 million next year is Nick Markakis, who's worth every penny.  The high-rollers in the East absolutely dominate the rest of the league, allowing the Blue Jays, the Rays, and the Orioles to compete for third in the division.  The Red Sox are like China, the recently relevant bad guy.  America (Orioles) was content with duking it out with our old nemesis, mother Russia (Yankees), but this new threat in China (Red Sox) is just annoying.

So, what does this all tell us?  It says that just because the Red Sox are the sexy option now and that pop culture might think it's really cute to be a part of the "Nation", doesn't mean it's right.  It also says that even though we hang out with ugly chicks like the Pirates fan, doesn't mean that we're one of them.  The Oriole Way is an identity in itself, and as loyal fans we need to cling to our heritage and get some self-respect.  I know it's been 13 years since we've been at .500, but Boston's beauty is fleeting and I can see an orange dawn on the horizon.  Or is that my medication acting up again?  Irregardless, the Red Sox suck and the "Nation" is a lie.  The hot chick has the clap.

*A mild glissando between two notes for an expressive effect.

Big Contracts and Patchwork: A Summary of the Winter Meetings

It has been a busy couple of weeks in Major League Baseball:

The Red Sox addressed their offensive “needs” by signing Carl Crawford and trading for Adrian Gonzalez. (Actually, the Red Sox scored 818 runs last year. Second only to the Yankees’ 859 runs. Kind of scary...)

The Nationals grossly overpaid for Jayson Werth, who is schedule to make $21 mil at age 38! Name a non-steroid infused 38 year old that is worth $21 million dollars?!?!

Cliff Lee shocked everyone and signed for less money to play for the Philankees. (Disturbing Fact: The salary for the Phillies’ Starting Rotation + Closer = $90 million)*

Best of all, the Yankees got snubbed!!! No Crawford, Werth, or Lee! Their biggest signing was a 36 year old SS with no range. Yankee fans should learn two lessons from this offseason: 1) Don’t give in to the demands of a 36 year old veteran. No one else in the league would have paid Jeter 15 million this year or 17 million at age 39! 2) Don’t spit on, chuck beers, and curse out Cliff Lee’s wife a month before you want to sign him as a Free Agent. Idiots.

As for the Buccos, we were content with using Hello Kitty band-aids to cover gunshot wounds. HOLD ON!

We picked up two average pitchers and two position players who are platoon worthy.

Kevin Correia is a right handed pitch who has been an innings eater with the Padres. His best season was in 2009 when he posted an ERA of 3.91. Prediction: Correia excites me as he was part of one of the best rotations in baseball last year with the Padres. He will be a very solid 4^th starter for the Buccos this year and hopefully beyond. STATS: W-L 12-9, ERA:4.21

Scott Olsen is a left handed pitcher with hasn’t been healthy since 2008, when he had an ERA of 4.20. The Pirates gave Olsen a two year contract worth $4.5 million. Prediction: Olsen will have a half decent year in Pittsburgh, but he will either get hurt or replaced by a AAA prospect (Brad Lincoln or Charlie Morton). Sad, I know… STATS: W-L 3-7, ERA: 5.45

Lyle Overbay is a left handed first basement with semi-power that has been a steady bat in Toronto for the past 5 years. He cannot be classified as a power bat because he has never hit more than 22 HRs or 92 RBIs. Those career numbers were produced 5 years ago. He has yet to come close since. Overbay (.243/20/67)is pushing Garrett G.I. Jones(.247/21/86) into right field. Prediction: Overbay’s above average fielding and leadership will be of the most benefit to the young Pirates team. Lyle will run his one year course in Pittsburgh and will bat 5^th and end up with this line .251/15/55.

Matt Diaz is a right handed outfielder who spent the last 5 years with the Braves. Two of the years he missed 50% or more of the season. The 3 years he played full seasons he batted .327, .338, .313. Impressive! Prediction: As of now it looks like Diaz will be part of a platoon with Garrett Jones in right field. This will allow him to stay healthy and effective. .309/5/24.

None of the new acquisitions are long term fixes, but they make the team better! Even if it is only a little bit better…

Go Bucs!

*Lee $24mil + Halladay $20 mil + Oswalt $16 + Lidge $11.5 + Hamels $9.5 + Blanton $8.5 = $89.5 million

Baseball Hat Addict

Newsflash: I am not a fashionista.  For those of you who know me personally, this news should not be earth-shattering.  When my pants wear out, I cut them into shorts.  When my shirts get old or don't fit, I cut them up and add them to my ghillie suit. Hole-filled socks become shoe-polishing cloths.  The range of the color spectrum that my clothes occupy spans from forest green to blue to dark blue.  My general appearance ranges from mountain man to disheveled derelict.  There is, however, one aspect of style that is important to me, and that is the fabric which crowns my cranium.  The baseball cap I wear is my singular attempt at self-expression through clothing.  I've not yet mastered the art of matching my hat to the rest of my outfit.  I guess that's why there are women in my life.  I'll never equal a woman's excitement for fashion, nor would I want to.

Women hoard shoes like squirrels stockpile acorns for winter.  When driving with a female, it is not uncommon for an intense, smoldering excitement to overcome her countenance when you pass by a shoe store.  Her voice becomes shrill and her hands twitch spasmodically as she rifles through her purse in search of a credit card, although she only desires to "look".  That's how I am with hats.  I only want to look, but usually about two and a half seconds later the plastic is swiped and I'm scribbling out my signature on the receipt.  At this point in my cap-purchasing career, my number of hats rivals the amount of shoes that Yankees-fan Lady Gaga owns, or perhaps even the quantity of genders she's been.

The current head accessory which has found itself in my favor is the Twins FORTY SEVEN BRAND Cooperstown Current O's cap:

I went old school with this one, with the orange block "B" in the front, while on the back it designates the Orioles' first year in the American League- "BALTIMORE 1901".  This hat works for me because it's unique and displays my aptitude for team history.  I like the eye-catching orange bill and fitted design.  It sits on my head well and doesn't peak in the middle, which is important for pin-headed guys so that our craniums look proportional to the rest of our bodies.  This hat is my current winner, so let's take a look at the three factors that make a good ball cap.

Sizing

Sizing has to do with the fit and how the hat interacts with and enhances your head region.  As I stated, big, high-peaked caps tend to dwarf guys with relatively small skulls.  When I discovered Twin Enterprises' Franchise hats years ago, I was finally emancipated from the pin-head club and free to look like a normal human being.  Franchise hats slope cleanly along the scalp and keep a proper low-profile.  Big-headed buffoons have more options.  Trucker caps can promote a man's overall large figure and make him look even taller than normal, if intimidation is your thing.  Or trucking.  Some goobers like their hat to come down over their ears, and if you're reading this and you're one of those guys, it's time to move out of grandma's basement and start wearing your hat like a man.

Fit is important because it ensures that you won't have an aneurysm if it's too tight or that your hat won't blow off just because a horsefly buzzes past your head.  Fitted hats are the Cadillacs of the baseball cap world.  They are smooth and comfortable and luxurious.  Fitted hats show that you are a master of your cranial domain.  Flex-fit hats are a step down from fitted.  The elastic in the band can provide a good fit, but I remember a flex-fit cap from high school that didn't fit so well once the elastic got stretched too much.  Below the flex-fits are the snap closures, both plastic and metal.  I used to wear plastic snap hats almost exclusively.

 

My favorite hat from age 12 to 18 was a plastic snap trooper.  By the time it was retired, it was faded and dirty, with sweat stains on the sides.  The bill was broken in half, and the plastic frame was showing because the rim on the edge of the bill had fuzzed up and the fabric gave way.  The plastic snaps in the back had been busted off and a residuey piece of duct tape secured it.  It was a great hat, even though it looked like a roadkill possum by the time I released it into the wild.  Velcro-fitted hats are generally a no-no.  They can catch on collared shirts and hair and just look cheap.  You can do better than that.  As for the remaining design with the adjustable cloth strap and the metal clasp that always slips, this is relegated to dads, hikers, and Europeans.  If you're a hiking European father, you are required by law to wear this adjustable fitting.

Utility

Believe it or not, hats can serve a purpose besides making you ridiculously good-looking.  That's where utility comes into the picture.  Mesh hats can provide air conditioning for summer scorchers, and some hats protect against the cold better than others.  When looking at a hat, consider under what conditions you would be wearing it most.  A really sunny environment might justify a lighter color that won't absorb hot sunlight and a longer bill to shade your eyes.  In rainy conditions, a quick-drying material or GORE-TEX waterproofer would work best.  You can find hats with LED lights in the bill, but honestly, that seems a little much to me.  I have a head lamp for camping and seeing at night, and I don't feel the need for a Swiss Army hybrid.  I've even seen hats with a bottle-opener attached to the bill, which is probably a great idea.  Imagine how many chicks you could impress at the bar by using your sweaty Kyle Busch #18 hat to pop the caps off of their Bud Lights?  The mental image is pretty compelling.

Ultimately, the utility of a hat will be the least important factor.  For the most part, a hat is a hat, and there's not enough variation in ball cap designs to justify a lot of angst in the buying process.

Message

Here's the crux of the new baseball cap purchasing decision.  We buy a hat with the purpose of sending a message to everyone who sees us.  There are 164 different Orioles hats for sale at Lids.com.  That means that there's at least 164 ways to tell people that you're an Orioles fan.  Messages can range from "fella i tell yo' whut, ev'ry time i wears this camo hat i shoot a dadgum thirty point buck!"

to "yeea son ah grew up in da suburbs, but ah be uh thug at heart brace yourself foo'!" (sorry for that, but that is the actual phrase that came out when I used an online Ebonics translator)

to "Pardon me, kind sir, what year was this cabernet sauvignon?  Pip pip, cheerio."

As you can see, there is a wide variety of options from which to choose.  The message you want to send usually relates to your personality or interests.  When you wear a hat with a logo on it, you are providing the owner of the logo free advertising.  That's why I find it intriguing when I see people wearing a hat with just a Nike swoosh or a Ford logo or a Monster Energy Drink graphic.  These are blatant advertisements for a brand, and it reminds us that our sports teams are also brands.  These baseball enterprises are ultimately corporations, and when we model their gear, we are endorsing them.  With this in mind, we shouldn't take the purchasing decision for a cap lightly.  Some people are even renting out their foreheads to companies to tattoo a logo there.  My first thought when I heard about this was "Why not just pay the guy to wear a hat with the logo?"

My next thought was "Aren't tattoos fairly permanent?  These contracts can't span the guy's whole life.  What an idiot."

My final thought on the matter was "Dang, I have a pretty big forehead, I wonder how much it's worth?"

So maybe this was more than you ever wanted to read about baseball caps, but next time you're browsing over a shelf of hats, I'll bet you remember this article, and maybe even apply some of it to your purchasing decision.  Finally, remember, my fellow fashionistas:

*~*~Fashions Fade, But Style is Eternal!*~*~

...Ok, someone do me a favor and come crack me in the face with a Louisville Slugger.

Me last year after I busted my parole.  I had spent the whole summer with my hat on backwards.  How embarrassing.

Re:Pirates Report Card (or lack thereof)

So the other day I was driving on the highway and a bird flew out from the overpass and smashed into my windshield...

...speaking of awesome stories and roadkill*, the Pittsburgh Pirates were seen along the side of the road somewhere around mid June.  The wreckage was a mangled, smoking, pile of misery.  One of those accidents that are so grotesque you can't look away.  

I'm going to name all the current Pirates I can think of off the top of my head: Nate McLouth, Freddy Sanchez, Jason Bay, Xavier Nady, Octavio Dotel, Jack Wilson...Hey, wait a second!  None of these guys are on the Pirates anymore!?  What gives?  How do you grade a team whose All Star is named Evan Meek?   Let's just hope the Bucs can keep it under 100 losses next season.  This seems to be how success is measured in Pittsburgh.  At 105 losses for 2010, it really wasn't that bad of a year.  Six fewer losses and you have a good season.

 

*smooth segway, huh?

Pirates Report Card

Starting Pitching: (F) A disappointing year from top to bottom. Ross Ohlendorf was supposed to be the ace and ended up with a record of 1W-11L. Barf. Everyone in the Pirates organization says that Charlie Morton has the best “stuff” on the team. He was demoted to Triple A by mid-May. Hurl. Maholm and Duke both had down years. Dry Heave. James McDonald, acquired from the Dodgers mid-season, was a lone bright spot in the rotation (4.02 ERA in 12 starts). Can you smile with your head face down in the toilet?

Bullpen: (C+) The bullpen was the strength of Pirates until they traded Octavio Dotel, DJ Carrasco, and Javier Lopez (currently, tearing it up for the Giants) at trade deadline in late July. Our only All Star, Evan Meek, came from nowhere and dominated this year. Joel Hanrahan also had a solid year. The rest of the replacements were pretty bad. Except for Chris Resop, who had an ERA of 3.86 in 23 appearances.

C: (F) Ryan Doumit let me down again. Nagging injuries, an inconsistent bat, and poor defense forced the Pirates trade for Chris Synder. A veteran who is known for his glove and having some power. I guess 15 HRs counts as “some power.” His average was .207. Ugly situation here. Financially, it gets worse. Snyder made $5,250,000 this year and Doumit made $3,650,000. That’s $8,900,000 for the catcher position! Almost a third of the Pirates payroll! Where is my brown paper bag?

1B: (C) Garret “G.I.” Jones had a year that was expected of him (.246/21/86). Nothing flashy, some pop, some strikeouts. A good #5 hitter. Way better than Garret Atkins.

2B: (B) Aki Iwamura started the season at 2B and only lasted 2 months. He was awful. He hit well under the Mendoza line at .182 and in the field he was as slow as Ty Wigginton.(Ok that is literally impossible, but you get my point.) But then the hometown kid, Neil Walker, got the call at the end of May. He had a tremendous year at the plate and was as clutch as they come. He only played 110 games and ended with 12 HRs and 66 RBIs.

SS: (C-) Ronny Cedeno was okay. He has nice glove work and sometimes finds a little “pop” in his bat. He is better player than Cesar Izturis, who I gave a D. We could use an upgrade here, but it isn’t happening any time soon.

3B: (D+) The only thing Andy LaRoche helped the Pirates win this year is some sort of humanitarian award. He is a great guy off the field, probably to balance out how bad he is on the field (.206/4/16). The Pirates gladly replaced LaRoche at third with Pedro Alvarez. He has been marketed as “The best prospect in the Pirates organization since Barry Bonds.” Do I believe the hype? Of course I do!!! At times Alvarez carried the Pirates on his back and was unstoppable. He was named NL Player of the Week near the end of September. At other points he was very stoppable, doing his best Ryan Howard impression. He also provided the memory of the year and the best radio call of the year. Watch the game recap to understand the circumstance.

OF: (B-) Andrew McCutchen had a solid year as the CF of the future for the Buccos. Rookie Jose Tabata is going to be a star as soon as he leaves Pittsburgh in 5 years. RF was a platoon of players including but not limited to: Lastings Milledge; John Bowker; Ryan Doumit (see above); Brandon Moss; Delwyn Young. None are long term options.

Overall: (F) I wanted to give the Pirates a “D,” but after reading this disturbing fact I had no choice: The Pirates are the first team since the ’65 Mets to finished last in offense (batting average), last in pitching (ERA) and last in defense (fielding percentage) in the same year.” Obviously, it was a disappointing year, but I am optimistic. Their 1-5 hitters all have less than 2 years of Major League experience. They are young, but showed glimpses of stardom. McCutchen, Tabata, Walker and Alvarez are going to be around for a long time (at least 5 years). The starting pitching underachieved. They are better than what their ERA reflected this year.