Ah yes, Spring Training. The annual appetizer that activates our hunger for sunflower seeds, mustard dogs, and Boog's Barbeque. In our advanced state of cabin fever we yearn for the sound of ash clubbing stitched leather and Joe Angel's final exhortation: "Put this one in the WIN column!" Our eyes are weak and unfocused without the stimulating barrage of Orioles Orange that we, along with our friends, plan to faithfully don from head to toe. Our nostrils strain to acquire the scent of freshly cut Kentucky Blue Grass and pine tar. But it's a tease. There's no Boog's. Winning doesn't matter, and I doubt that Ed Smith Stadium boasts the same handsome turf that the Yard manicures. Who cares anyways? We're not going to get off work to drive to Sarasota to check. It's Bizarro Baseball. Remember the Seinfeld episode with "Bizarro Jerry"? Elaine made friends with a guy who was like Jerry, but opposite at the same time. That's Spring Training for me. It's still baseball, but it's just not quite right. Ties happen. Winning is optional. Half of the names on the O's roster are foreign to me. The ballparks are surrounded by palm trees. Bizarre.
Perhaps something else that adds to my general unease this year is the actual makeup of the team. I just can't tell whether or not we're going to jell, and shuffling everyone around for a few innings per "game" doesn't help solidify my squishy apprehension. Andy MacPhail's (in)famous motto is "buy the bats, grow the arms", and this policy has led to a fairly heterogeneous mishmash of players that may or may not become a functional force. None of our many offseason pickups are really in the prime of their careers except for Mark Reynolds, the slugger with the three highest strikeout totals in MLB history. Our additions are injury-prone wildcards: JJ Hardy (wrist), Justin Duchscherer (hip/depression), Derrek Lee (thumb), Kevin Gregg (knee), and Vladimir Guerrero (Count Choculitis). Not to mention Brian Roberts' perpetual back spasms and Koji Uehara's yearly elbow injury. But with all this doom and gloom we must remember that the O's did upgrade from last year (our All-Star was Ty Wigginton); we just can't view this as a "worst to first" scenario. It is a realistic attempt at a .500 record given our market and division. At this point, our short term goal is relevance and mediocrity rather than World Series triumphs and super model girlfriends.
Bizzaro Baseball also sends us conflicting messages about our young, studly pitching staff. At two or three innings a game, our developing hurlers are supposed to prove that they're ready to start the season. The problem is that the situations these kids are in during Spring Training are light-years apart from regular season competition. Just because they're playing the Yankees doesn't mean they're contending with legendary Bronx Bombers. Instead, they might face Derek Jeter's 15 year old nephew (cute PR stunt), A-Roid trying to bat lefty, and career Spring Training attendee, Reegie Corona. What do you think the scouting report looks like for Reegie Corona? I'm not sure, but if I'm Matt Wieters I might call a four-seam, another four-seam, and a bender at the knees just to see what happens. Can you blame Brian Matusz if Mr. Corona shuts his eyes, says a prayer, and flails at the 0-2 curveball and somehow gets hold of it? Maybe to some extent, but I just hate to read too far into any of this bizzaro nonsense.
Speaking of being level-headed, have you heard about our 23 year old Cy Young-to-be?! Zach Britton is a power lefty with a low, lively fastball who has not allowed a run all spring, and has drawn more than his share of attention. Chances are he'll be called up in late May once Justin Duchscherer becomes the first human to break three hips at the same time and heads for the DL. Then we'll have Jake Arrieta, Brad Bergesen, Brian Matusz, Chris Tillman and finally Zach Britton in our 25 and under rotation, with Jeremy Guthrie anchoring at age 31. This juvenile pitching staff will definitely have its ups and downs this year, but the growth potential is great. Along with an extra run or two per game thanks to the offensive additions, it should translate to a few more wins, inching us towards a much-needed winning season.
In order to drive this notion of Bizarro Baseball home, let me direct your attention to the Spring Training leader in home runs, Jake Fox.
Jake is our back-up catcher. Sort of. He is actually fighting for the back-up catching job, and it seems like he may have earned it. In his 45 at-bats this spring, he has hit seven homers, two more than anyone else in MLB. That means if he gets, say, 500 at-bats this season, we can expect 78 homers, right? Jake will make Barry Bonds* record just a bad memory. This is the nonsensical bizarro atmosphere we're in during Spring Training. Black is white, up is down, Jake Fox is Hank Aaron. Gosh, just bring on the Regular Season.
