The Hot Chick: Why I Strongly Dislike the Red Sox

You're at a party.  You're back in college; you're single and ready to mingle.  There's a group of three girls who are giving you some attention.  The conversations have been flirty and each chick has been making eyes at you (yeah, I realize how laughably unreal this scenario is, but let's humor the delusion for a while).  Throughout the night, you've discovered that each girl is from a different east coast city: Boston, Baltimore, and Pittsburgh.  

Quick, which one is the hot one?  Without any more information than their geographic upbringing, construct a mental picture of each girl.  Whose number do you want?  Which one is eh, so-so?  Which one do you stiff-arm and tell "I just remembered my car is illegally parked!"  You know who's who.  The Boston chick is the hot one.  She is smartly dressed in the telltale Burberry scarf tidily draped over her cardigan with Vineyard Vines twill pants.  Her hair is flowing, but still neatly in place.  Despite her prim and proper demeanor, the spark in her eye tells you she's trouble – and you are intrigued all the more. She has a refined air of condescension from those lavish summers spent sailing on the Cape and her semester-long stint of studying Indonesian pottery at an ivy-league institution. She's a looker and she knows it; she is the hot chick.

The Baltimorean is the satisfactory-looking friend.  She's nice, but quiet.  She's cute, but not breathtaking.  Jeans and a sweater get the job done; nothing fancy.  She kind of seems into you, but in the end you don't really click.  She's going to school at Towson, but you had never heard of it.  You try to keep the banter going, but her interest lags and is overwhelmed by the third member of the trifecta.

This third girl is from Pittsburgh, and she's got a half eaten squirrel hanging out of her mouth.  Her attire consists of a Roethlisberger jersey pulled over a hoody, sweatpants that say "Juicy" on the hind-end, and a battered pair of UGG boots.  She's loud and has the self-awareness of an anvil, with looks to match.  She hollers out a challenge; something about drinking you under the table.  Then she scoops you up and snaps a picture and promises to tag you on Facebook... where did that Bostonian trust fund babe get to?

What's the relevance of this scenario to... anything?  Well, tweak the characters slightly.  First, the guy you played in the story is named Adrian Gonzalez.  Instead of college coeds, the three suitors are the baseball teams:  the Boston Red Sox, the Baltimore Orioles, and the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Now it's starting to make sense.  Since 2004 and the advent of the Red Sox Nation, Boston is the hot choice for weak-minded group thinkers everywhere.  Boston's half a decade-long culture of winning has made the Sox an attractive option for players all over MLB.  The Red Sox's current beauty makes the Orioles appear uglier than they really are, and this league-wide perception that the O's perpetually belong with bottom-feeders like the Pirates causes our stock to fall even further.  Baltimore is really not that unpleasant, but our tough division, the enormous checkbooks of our rivals, and our association with ball clubs that haven't been relevant in centuries (sorry, Honus Wagner) overshadows our blossoming youth.  When you think about it, the Orioles are kind of like Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries; we just need the coaching of a seasoned leader (Julie Andrews/Buck Showalter) and some time to mature, and eventually we'll be the prettiest girl at the ball (aka make the playoffs).

Alright, all bizarre music videos and chick flicks aside, let me say this clearly: I strongly dislike the Boston Red Sox.  I don't hate them.  'Hate' is a powerful word that I reserve for the likes of al Qaeda, France, PETA, Lucifer, and the Yankees.  My level of disdain for the Sox is instead comparable to my feelings towards black jelly beans, poison ivy, New Jersey, and politicians.  The thorn in my side that is the Red Sox organization has become an infection in recent years, and has spread, leaving me bedridden and feverish the past few weeks.  The recent acquisition of Gold Glove first baseman and slugger, Adrian Gonzalez, along with raking outfield speedster Carl Crawford left the baseball world worried.  The Homeland Security's Threat Advisory Level was raised to Orange as a result of the elevated probability of an attack on the following metropolitan areas: Toronto, New York, Baltimore, and Tampa.

The Red Sox are to baseball what Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, and Miley Cyrus are to the music industry.  They are the flavor-of-the-month, trendy nonsense that the unkempt masses rush to for popularity's sake.   As a child of the 90s, I don't think I saw anyone wear a Boston Red Sox hat until my late high school years.  I never realized that the Red Sox were a popular team.  As an Orioles fan, I never really worried about the Mo Vaughn or Nomar Garciaparra or the rest of the Sox roster.  We were concerned solely with the Yankees.  But now, when I travel back home, the red "B" hats easily outnumber the orange "O's" hats.  Was there a mass migration of Bostonians to the mid-Atlantic region?  Did they finally come to the conclusion that Chesapeake Blue Crab tastes more succulent than New England Lobster?  What else could have been the catalyst which caused so many to find their "Yawkey" way?  Oh, right.  The Red Sox finally won a World Series in 2004.  Welcome back to relevance, it's only been 86 years.

And therein lies the chief source of my contempt for the Red Sox.  This "Nation" of "fans".  This recently coined term "Red Sox Nation" just boils my blood.  Yes, pudding brains will argue that the phrase was first penned in Boston's 1986 World Series flop, but it never stuck or became a part of everyday vernacular until the Sox finally won in 2004.  Since then, fans of role models like Big Papi (steroids), Manny Ramirez (steroids), and Pedro Martinez (cockfighting?) have been sprouting up from Tuscon to Tuscaloosa.  And can these bandwagoners really classified as "fans"?  Or do they love baseball in the same way that Justin Bieber fans appreciate a Portamento*?  Real connoisseurs. 

You know how to distinguish between a real fan who stays loyal through thick and thin and a guy who chooses the fashionable option?  When you ask him what team he likes, pause for a couple extra seconds after he answers.  Then, he'll expose himself.  Not in the Brett-Favre-text-message way, but often times they feel compelled to justify their fanship.  It'll go like this-

You: Hey, nice to meet ya.

"Fan": Nice to meet you too.

You: John said you're from Seattle.  Are you a big Mariners fan?

"Fan": Actually, I'm a Red Sox fan.

PAUSE

"Fan": Yeah, my grandma's second cousin's niece on my dad's side went to college at BU, and I've been a Sox fan ever since.

You: *speechless*

This happens all the time when it comes to Red Sox and Yankees fans.  Every Sox or Yankees fan from Illinois to Idaho gives you some sort of personal back story about why they're a fan.  They don't want to come across as phonies who rejected their childhood hometown teams just when the going got tough.  In order to sleep at night, they dish you a concocted sentence about how they've been a fan since the dawn of time rather than hopping on the "Nation's" wagon after heeding the call to "Cowboy Up".

Besides the manufactured "Red Sox Nation", another snag I have with the Sox is this David-versus-Goliath mentality when it comes to the Yankees spending a gazillion dollars on salaries.  It's hypocritical to dub the Yankees as the Evil Empire and complain about dominating the market when Boston has become an Evil Empire in itself.  As of December 9th, the Red Sox had $594.75 million in salary commitments through 2018.  The Yankees have $613.28 million, just 3% more.  Here's a quote from USA Today to put that money in perspective with the rest of the AL East:

"The Yankees and Red Sox, alone, have 16 players who will earn at least $9 million in salary next season. The rest of the AL East division has just three players with that distinction."

What?!  Talk about disparity.  The only player that the Orioles are paying more than $9 million next year is Nick Markakis, who's worth every penny.  The high-rollers in the East absolutely dominate the rest of the league, allowing the Blue Jays, the Rays, and the Orioles to compete for third in the division.  The Red Sox are like China, the recently relevant bad guy.  America (Orioles) was content with duking it out with our old nemesis, mother Russia (Yankees), but this new threat in China (Red Sox) is just annoying.

So, what does this all tell us?  It says that just because the Red Sox are the sexy option now and that pop culture might think it's really cute to be a part of the "Nation", doesn't mean it's right.  It also says that even though we hang out with ugly chicks like the Pirates fan, doesn't mean that we're one of them.  The Oriole Way is an identity in itself, and as loyal fans we need to cling to our heritage and get some self-respect.  I know it's been 13 years since we've been at .500, but Boston's beauty is fleeting and I can see an orange dawn on the horizon.  Or is that my medication acting up again?  Irregardless, the Red Sox suck and the "Nation" is a lie.  The hot chick has the clap.

*A mild glissando between two notes for an expressive effect.

Big Contracts and Patchwork: A Summary of the Winter Meetings

It has been a busy couple of weeks in Major League Baseball:

The Red Sox addressed their offensive “needs” by signing Carl Crawford and trading for Adrian Gonzalez. (Actually, the Red Sox scored 818 runs last year. Second only to the Yankees’ 859 runs. Kind of scary...)

The Nationals grossly overpaid for Jayson Werth, who is schedule to make $21 mil at age 38! Name a non-steroid infused 38 year old that is worth $21 million dollars?!?!

Cliff Lee shocked everyone and signed for less money to play for the Philankees. (Disturbing Fact: The salary for the Phillies’ Starting Rotation + Closer = $90 million)*

Best of all, the Yankees got snubbed!!! No Crawford, Werth, or Lee! Their biggest signing was a 36 year old SS with no range. Yankee fans should learn two lessons from this offseason: 1) Don’t give in to the demands of a 36 year old veteran. No one else in the league would have paid Jeter 15 million this year or 17 million at age 39! 2) Don’t spit on, chuck beers, and curse out Cliff Lee’s wife a month before you want to sign him as a Free Agent. Idiots.

As for the Buccos, we were content with using Hello Kitty band-aids to cover gunshot wounds. HOLD ON!

We picked up two average pitchers and two position players who are platoon worthy.

Kevin Correia is a right handed pitch who has been an innings eater with the Padres. His best season was in 2009 when he posted an ERA of 3.91. Prediction: Correia excites me as he was part of one of the best rotations in baseball last year with the Padres. He will be a very solid 4^th starter for the Buccos this year and hopefully beyond. STATS: W-L 12-9, ERA:4.21

Scott Olsen is a left handed pitcher with hasn’t been healthy since 2008, when he had an ERA of 4.20. The Pirates gave Olsen a two year contract worth $4.5 million. Prediction: Olsen will have a half decent year in Pittsburgh, but he will either get hurt or replaced by a AAA prospect (Brad Lincoln or Charlie Morton). Sad, I know… STATS: W-L 3-7, ERA: 5.45

Lyle Overbay is a left handed first basement with semi-power that has been a steady bat in Toronto for the past 5 years. He cannot be classified as a power bat because he has never hit more than 22 HRs or 92 RBIs. Those career numbers were produced 5 years ago. He has yet to come close since. Overbay (.243/20/67)is pushing Garrett G.I. Jones(.247/21/86) into right field. Prediction: Overbay’s above average fielding and leadership will be of the most benefit to the young Pirates team. Lyle will run his one year course in Pittsburgh and will bat 5^th and end up with this line .251/15/55.

Matt Diaz is a right handed outfielder who spent the last 5 years with the Braves. Two of the years he missed 50% or more of the season. The 3 years he played full seasons he batted .327, .338, .313. Impressive! Prediction: As of now it looks like Diaz will be part of a platoon with Garrett Jones in right field. This will allow him to stay healthy and effective. .309/5/24.

None of the new acquisitions are long term fixes, but they make the team better! Even if it is only a little bit better…

Go Bucs!

*Lee $24mil + Halladay $20 mil + Oswalt $16 + Lidge $11.5 + Hamels $9.5 + Blanton $8.5 = $89.5 million

Baseball Hat Addict

Newsflash: I am not a fashionista.  For those of you who know me personally, this news should not be earth-shattering.  When my pants wear out, I cut them into shorts.  When my shirts get old or don't fit, I cut them up and add them to my ghillie suit. Hole-filled socks become shoe-polishing cloths.  The range of the color spectrum that my clothes occupy spans from forest green to blue to dark blue.  My general appearance ranges from mountain man to disheveled derelict.  There is, however, one aspect of style that is important to me, and that is the fabric which crowns my cranium.  The baseball cap I wear is my singular attempt at self-expression through clothing.  I've not yet mastered the art of matching my hat to the rest of my outfit.  I guess that's why there are women in my life.  I'll never equal a woman's excitement for fashion, nor would I want to.

Women hoard shoes like squirrels stockpile acorns for winter.  When driving with a female, it is not uncommon for an intense, smoldering excitement to overcome her countenance when you pass by a shoe store.  Her voice becomes shrill and her hands twitch spasmodically as she rifles through her purse in search of a credit card, although she only desires to "look".  That's how I am with hats.  I only want to look, but usually about two and a half seconds later the plastic is swiped and I'm scribbling out my signature on the receipt.  At this point in my cap-purchasing career, my number of hats rivals the amount of shoes that Yankees-fan Lady Gaga owns, or perhaps even the quantity of genders she's been.

The current head accessory which has found itself in my favor is the Twins FORTY SEVEN BRAND Cooperstown Current O's cap:

I went old school with this one, with the orange block "B" in the front, while on the back it designates the Orioles' first year in the American League- "BALTIMORE 1901".  This hat works for me because it's unique and displays my aptitude for team history.  I like the eye-catching orange bill and fitted design.  It sits on my head well and doesn't peak in the middle, which is important for pin-headed guys so that our craniums look proportional to the rest of our bodies.  This hat is my current winner, so let's take a look at the three factors that make a good ball cap.

Sizing

Sizing has to do with the fit and how the hat interacts with and enhances your head region.  As I stated, big, high-peaked caps tend to dwarf guys with relatively small skulls.  When I discovered Twin Enterprises' Franchise hats years ago, I was finally emancipated from the pin-head club and free to look like a normal human being.  Franchise hats slope cleanly along the scalp and keep a proper low-profile.  Big-headed buffoons have more options.  Trucker caps can promote a man's overall large figure and make him look even taller than normal, if intimidation is your thing.  Or trucking.  Some goobers like their hat to come down over their ears, and if you're reading this and you're one of those guys, it's time to move out of grandma's basement and start wearing your hat like a man.

Fit is important because it ensures that you won't have an aneurysm if it's too tight or that your hat won't blow off just because a horsefly buzzes past your head.  Fitted hats are the Cadillacs of the baseball cap world.  They are smooth and comfortable and luxurious.  Fitted hats show that you are a master of your cranial domain.  Flex-fit hats are a step down from fitted.  The elastic in the band can provide a good fit, but I remember a flex-fit cap from high school that didn't fit so well once the elastic got stretched too much.  Below the flex-fits are the snap closures, both plastic and metal.  I used to wear plastic snap hats almost exclusively.

 

My favorite hat from age 12 to 18 was a plastic snap trooper.  By the time it was retired, it was faded and dirty, with sweat stains on the sides.  The bill was broken in half, and the plastic frame was showing because the rim on the edge of the bill had fuzzed up and the fabric gave way.  The plastic snaps in the back had been busted off and a residuey piece of duct tape secured it.  It was a great hat, even though it looked like a roadkill possum by the time I released it into the wild.  Velcro-fitted hats are generally a no-no.  They can catch on collared shirts and hair and just look cheap.  You can do better than that.  As for the remaining design with the adjustable cloth strap and the metal clasp that always slips, this is relegated to dads, hikers, and Europeans.  If you're a hiking European father, you are required by law to wear this adjustable fitting.

Utility

Believe it or not, hats can serve a purpose besides making you ridiculously good-looking.  That's where utility comes into the picture.  Mesh hats can provide air conditioning for summer scorchers, and some hats protect against the cold better than others.  When looking at a hat, consider under what conditions you would be wearing it most.  A really sunny environment might justify a lighter color that won't absorb hot sunlight and a longer bill to shade your eyes.  In rainy conditions, a quick-drying material or GORE-TEX waterproofer would work best.  You can find hats with LED lights in the bill, but honestly, that seems a little much to me.  I have a head lamp for camping and seeing at night, and I don't feel the need for a Swiss Army hybrid.  I've even seen hats with a bottle-opener attached to the bill, which is probably a great idea.  Imagine how many chicks you could impress at the bar by using your sweaty Kyle Busch #18 hat to pop the caps off of their Bud Lights?  The mental image is pretty compelling.

Ultimately, the utility of a hat will be the least important factor.  For the most part, a hat is a hat, and there's not enough variation in ball cap designs to justify a lot of angst in the buying process.

Message

Here's the crux of the new baseball cap purchasing decision.  We buy a hat with the purpose of sending a message to everyone who sees us.  There are 164 different Orioles hats for sale at Lids.com.  That means that there's at least 164 ways to tell people that you're an Orioles fan.  Messages can range from "fella i tell yo' whut, ev'ry time i wears this camo hat i shoot a dadgum thirty point buck!"

to "yeea son ah grew up in da suburbs, but ah be uh thug at heart brace yourself foo'!" (sorry for that, but that is the actual phrase that came out when I used an online Ebonics translator)

to "Pardon me, kind sir, what year was this cabernet sauvignon?  Pip pip, cheerio."

As you can see, there is a wide variety of options from which to choose.  The message you want to send usually relates to your personality or interests.  When you wear a hat with a logo on it, you are providing the owner of the logo free advertising.  That's why I find it intriguing when I see people wearing a hat with just a Nike swoosh or a Ford logo or a Monster Energy Drink graphic.  These are blatant advertisements for a brand, and it reminds us that our sports teams are also brands.  These baseball enterprises are ultimately corporations, and when we model their gear, we are endorsing them.  With this in mind, we shouldn't take the purchasing decision for a cap lightly.  Some people are even renting out their foreheads to companies to tattoo a logo there.  My first thought when I heard about this was "Why not just pay the guy to wear a hat with the logo?"

My next thought was "Aren't tattoos fairly permanent?  These contracts can't span the guy's whole life.  What an idiot."

My final thought on the matter was "Dang, I have a pretty big forehead, I wonder how much it's worth?"

So maybe this was more than you ever wanted to read about baseball caps, but next time you're browsing over a shelf of hats, I'll bet you remember this article, and maybe even apply some of it to your purchasing decision.  Finally, remember, my fellow fashionistas:

*~*~Fashions Fade, But Style is Eternal!*~*~

...Ok, someone do me a favor and come crack me in the face with a Louisville Slugger.

Me last year after I busted my parole.  I had spent the whole summer with my hat on backwards.  How embarrassing.

Re:Pirates Report Card (or lack thereof)

So the other day I was driving on the highway and a bird flew out from the overpass and smashed into my windshield...

...speaking of awesome stories and roadkill*, the Pittsburgh Pirates were seen along the side of the road somewhere around mid June.  The wreckage was a mangled, smoking, pile of misery.  One of those accidents that are so grotesque you can't look away.  

I'm going to name all the current Pirates I can think of off the top of my head: Nate McLouth, Freddy Sanchez, Jason Bay, Xavier Nady, Octavio Dotel, Jack Wilson...Hey, wait a second!  None of these guys are on the Pirates anymore!?  What gives?  How do you grade a team whose All Star is named Evan Meek?   Let's just hope the Bucs can keep it under 100 losses next season.  This seems to be how success is measured in Pittsburgh.  At 105 losses for 2010, it really wasn't that bad of a year.  Six fewer losses and you have a good season.

 

*smooth segway, huh?

Pirates Report Card

Starting Pitching: (F) A disappointing year from top to bottom. Ross Ohlendorf was supposed to be the ace and ended up with a record of 1W-11L. Barf. Everyone in the Pirates organization says that Charlie Morton has the best “stuff” on the team. He was demoted to Triple A by mid-May. Hurl. Maholm and Duke both had down years. Dry Heave. James McDonald, acquired from the Dodgers mid-season, was a lone bright spot in the rotation (4.02 ERA in 12 starts). Can you smile with your head face down in the toilet?

Bullpen: (C+) The bullpen was the strength of Pirates until they traded Octavio Dotel, DJ Carrasco, and Javier Lopez (currently, tearing it up for the Giants) at trade deadline in late July. Our only All Star, Evan Meek, came from nowhere and dominated this year. Joel Hanrahan also had a solid year. The rest of the replacements were pretty bad. Except for Chris Resop, who had an ERA of 3.86 in 23 appearances.

C: (F) Ryan Doumit let me down again. Nagging injuries, an inconsistent bat, and poor defense forced the Pirates trade for Chris Synder. A veteran who is known for his glove and having some power. I guess 15 HRs counts as “some power.” His average was .207. Ugly situation here. Financially, it gets worse. Snyder made $5,250,000 this year and Doumit made $3,650,000. That’s $8,900,000 for the catcher position! Almost a third of the Pirates payroll! Where is my brown paper bag?

1B: (C) Garret “G.I.” Jones had a year that was expected of him (.246/21/86). Nothing flashy, some pop, some strikeouts. A good #5 hitter. Way better than Garret Atkins.

2B: (B) Aki Iwamura started the season at 2B and only lasted 2 months. He was awful. He hit well under the Mendoza line at .182 and in the field he was as slow as Ty Wigginton.(Ok that is literally impossible, but you get my point.) But then the hometown kid, Neil Walker, got the call at the end of May. He had a tremendous year at the plate and was as clutch as they come. He only played 110 games and ended with 12 HRs and 66 RBIs.

SS: (C-) Ronny Cedeno was okay. He has nice glove work and sometimes finds a little “pop” in his bat. He is better player than Cesar Izturis, who I gave a D. We could use an upgrade here, but it isn’t happening any time soon.

3B: (D+) The only thing Andy LaRoche helped the Pirates win this year is some sort of humanitarian award. He is a great guy off the field, probably to balance out how bad he is on the field (.206/4/16). The Pirates gladly replaced LaRoche at third with Pedro Alvarez. He has been marketed as “The best prospect in the Pirates organization since Barry Bonds.” Do I believe the hype? Of course I do!!! At times Alvarez carried the Pirates on his back and was unstoppable. He was named NL Player of the Week near the end of September. At other points he was very stoppable, doing his best Ryan Howard impression. He also provided the memory of the year and the best radio call of the year. Watch the game recap to understand the circumstance.

OF: (B-) Andrew McCutchen had a solid year as the CF of the future for the Buccos. Rookie Jose Tabata is going to be a star as soon as he leaves Pittsburgh in 5 years. RF was a platoon of players including but not limited to: Lastings Milledge; John Bowker; Ryan Doumit (see above); Brandon Moss; Delwyn Young. None are long term options.

Overall: (F) I wanted to give the Pirates a “D,” but after reading this disturbing fact I had no choice: The Pirates are the first team since the ’65 Mets to finished last in offense (batting average), last in pitching (ERA) and last in defense (fielding percentage) in the same year.” Obviously, it was a disappointing year, but I am optimistic. Their 1-5 hitters all have less than 2 years of Major League experience. They are young, but showed glimpses of stardom. McCutchen, Tabata, Walker and Alvarez are going to be around for a long time (at least 5 years). The starting pitching underachieved. They are better than what their ERA reflected this year.

The Ghost of Jeffrey Maier: Why I Hate the Yankees

Nelson Cruz knows how Tony Tarasco felt when he got Maiered last week.

This month, 14 years ago, I was sent down a path of loathing and disdain from which there is no return.  As a nine-year-old who had witnessed his hero's consecutive games banners unfurl on the B&O Warehouse a year prior and had enjoyed an 88 win season that led to a wild card playoff berth, my allegiance to the Baltimore Orioles was steadfast.  We had beaten the Indians in the division series and were poised to take down the Yankees in the 1996 ALCS.

It was Game One in Yankee Stadium, and Brady Anderson and Raffy Palmeiro had slugged homers to give us a 4-3 advantage.  In the bottom of the eighth, the Yankee's young upstart shortstop came to the plate.  The eloquent, often easy-going Jon Miller was exasperated when he made the call.

We eventually lost the game in the eleventh and were sent home four games later.  The Yankees beat the Braves in the World Series.  This slugger was the hero of that series.

The fan who stole the game from Tony Tarasco and the Orioles was just a young boy.  He was a twelve-year-old from New Jersey (go figure) named Jeffrey Maier.  We know the saying "cheaters never prosper"...well, if Jeffrey Maier did not prosper, he at least benefited from his illegal act.  As a reward, he sat behind the Yankee dugout later in the playoffs, made an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman, and received the key to New York City from Mayor Giuliani.  Yes, the key to the city.  For cheating.

This injustice stuck with me like an infectious malady.  From then on, I was not just an Orioles fan, cheering optimistically for my team.  I became an anti-Yankees fan, celebrating any negative event for my sworn enemies.  Not only lost games, but injuries, steroid allegations, and scandals were mini-triumphs.  I smiled when Darryl Strawberry was busted for soliciting sex and carrying coke.  I laughed when A-Roid admitted to PED use.  When Mark Teixiera's hamstring seized up during this ALCS, I hoped he was done for good.

This root of my hatred for the Evil Empire surfaced during Game Four of the Rangers/Yankees ALCS this past week.  This time, Robinson Cano launched a ball to right field that Texas' Nelson Cruz was tracking.  As Cruz went up for the grab, three scrubs reached out over the three-and-a-half foot thick wall and deflected the ball into the stands, swatting Cruz' glove out of the way.  He protested, pointing at the fans and yelling at the umpires.  TBS tried to show the altercation, but was forced to pan quickly away because the juicebag fan who ended up with the ball was jovially saluting Cruz with both middle fingers.  When I discovered soon after that the juicebag, twenty-year-old Jared Macchirole of Queens, was a Penn State student, I felt shame on top of anger.  This incident did not factor into the outcome of the game or change the direction of the series, and will not become a legend, like the Jeffrey Maier debacle, but it did force me to confront my hatred for the Yankees anew, like scraping open an old scar.

Now that my opinion of the New York Yankees is out in the open, I've created a History of Hatred to provide further evidence and reasoning for my sentiments.

1903– The Baltimore Orioles had been in the NL during the late 1800s, when they were a fiery bunch nicknamed the "Flying Spikes" who played dirty and slid with their cleats up.  In 1901, they became an AL team under John McGraw's leadership.  The larger, more powerful New York market desired another baseball team to join the New York Giants, which McGraw had secretly fled to.  A conference was held between the AL and NL to try to figure out a way to coexist.  McGraw demanded an AL counterpart in New York, and Baltimore was voted to relinquish its team and move it to the Big Apple.  Here began the subjugating and overpowering tendencies that New York wielded against Lord Baltimore's town as it related to baseball.  No wonder we have an inferiority complex.  The original O's were sacrificed to appease New Yorkers.

1914 – Everyone talks about the Red Sox giving up Babe Ruth to the Yankees, but Baltimore lays claim to him first.  Jack Dunn was the owner and manager of the Baltimore Orioles, which was a minor league team at the time.  He saw George Herman Ruth, Jr. pitch for a half hour and gave him a contract for $250.  It was while he was an Oriole that George received the nickname "Babe", and it stuck.  The Philadelphia Athletics and the Cincinnati Reds passed on Ruth, and he was eventually sold to the Boston Red Sox.  The Yankees most iconic and hallowed figure was a son of Baltimore, but no one remembers that because we were forced to be a minor league team.

1954- The Milwaukee Brewers/St. Louis Browns moved to Baltimore to become the new Baltimore Orioles.  A 17-player trade between the Yankees gutted the organization, and Baltimore fought for a new identity.

1966-1983- The Glory Years.  Six pennants and three World Series championships.  The Orioles dominated the Bronx Zoo.

1992- In the Seinfeld episode "The Letter", Elaine Benes was told to remove her Orioles hat while at a Yankee game.  She refused and was thrown out.  Tension between the clubs grew.  Ok, not really, but yeah, even on television the Yankees persecute us.

1996- Jeffrey Maier gave me first-hand knowledge of the emotion called hatred.  

2001- The Yankees took Moose from the Orioles.  Mike Mussina had 147 wins with the Orioles over ten seasons.  We had courted the Pennsylvanian since high school and he was a mainstay within the organization.  The Yankees gave him a blank check (they offered him $10 million a year while we were paying him $6.7 million) and a set of pinstripes.  It just didn't seem right seeing Moose in that uniform.

2003- Derek Jeter was named captain of the Yankees.  I hate him.  How he slaps at the ball when he hits.  How he smugly spoils pitch after pitch.  How he does that stupid jump throw from the hole at short.  How his stupid haircut is always the same.  How calm confidence radiates from his stupid, ugly, blue eyes.  How every interview he does is the same.  How he is in fifty different commercials at any one time. How when you watch the Little League World Series there are kids from Chinese Taipei who say their favorite player is Derek Jeter.  How kids from Atlanta, Cincinnati, Oakland, and (GASP), Baltimore, love Derek Jeter.  How he has beaten us time and time again with grounders that bleed through the infield.  He's a golden boy, and I hate him.  To partially borrow from Michael Scott: "If I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Jeter, I would shoot Jeter twice."

                --As a note, this is not an actual threat, it is hyperbole.  I don't want my truck blown up--

2007- Alex Roidriguez- Not only was he bought for a gazillion dollars, but here are some notches on the bedpost that would make Joe DiMaggio proud:  Bostonian stripper, Las Vegas "exotic dancer", Eliot Spitzer's call girls, Madonna, Kate Hudson, and Cameron Diaz (the first half of the list was acquired while Alex was a husband and a father of two).  And, he used steroids.

2008- Mark Teixeira- Another superstar who sold his soul to the Evil Empire.  We offered our hometown boy $160 million and it still wasn't enough to bring him back to Baltimore.  This was a real heartbreaker for fans.  We expected to acquire him.  We needed a first baseman with some pop.  It was supposed to be a perfect fit.  I was an usher in the stands on Opening Day in 2009, when Tex made his debut with the Yankees, along with CC Sabathia.  I have never heard a ballplayer booed louder than when Tex first came to bat.  O's fans brought monopoly money and threw it at him like confetti.  He was 0 for 4 that game, and we all roared every time he made an out.  CC gave up six earned and we started the year with a 10-5 victory.

2010- There's plenty of current event ammunition to damn the Yankees.

                On October 8, during the series with the Twins, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg started planning the Yankees World Series parade...How did that work out for ya?

                On October 19, beleaguered Yankee starter AJ Burnett was on thin ice, and had dropped seven of his last eight starts.  Yankees fans are not compassionate or understanding, and on Burnett's first batter that he had faced in 16 days, he started with two balls for a 2-0 count.  The fans booed him.  In the first inning.  For a 2-0 count.  Give me a break.

                On October 20, the night of the Maier-esque incident, Cal Ripken Jr. was working the post-game show for TBS.  As he discussed the next game's pitching matchup, THIS HAPPENED.  Yankees fans are mindless, heartless, bandwagoners who cannot begin to understand how angry this makes me.  Trying to dump a beer on Cal Ripken is as American as eating apple pie with chopsticks and smacking your mother with a 2 x 4.  That creature is lucky there aren't lynch mobs anymore.

                On October 22, the Texas Rangers won the pennant and are going to their first World Series.  But plenty of folks in the media are calling this more of a Yankees loss than a Rangers win.  There is bias everywhere, don't let anyone convince you otherwise.  Watch the ticker on ESPN.  Anytime the Orioles beat the Yankees or the Red Sox for that matter, I pay attention to how it is conveyed in the news.  It's always slanted in favor of the big dogs, even in a loss.  "Yankees Give One to the O's", "New York Struggles in Loss", and "Yankees Slip Up, O's Steal One".  How about "Orioles Pommel Yanks", or "Baltimore Dominates in Win"?  You'll never see those headlines.  The only time we make Baseball Tonight is to show A-Roid deflowering one of our young pitchers.  There's no equality of coverage; the media caters to the big-market teams.

By now, I hope I've made my point: I don't particularly like the Yankees.  They're a bunch of overpaid cheaters, adulterers, and Nazis.  If I ever have children, and they're acting too rambunctious before bed, I'm going to warn them that if they don't go to sleep, then Jeffrey Maier's going to get them.  After all, his crime has been haunting me ever since I was nine, and I turned out normal, right?...Right?!

Go to yankeeshater.com to get your own Orioles-version Yankee Hater hat. 

Re: Orioles Report Card

I appreciate Davey showing us all the improvement due to the managerial change in Baltimore, but the report card at the end of the year only shows one grade. Hence my role…

Pitching: (D+) Obviously a major disappointment this year. Kevin Millwood is awful as both Dave and I addressed last month. Guthrie, Matusz, and Bergesen finally became consistent during the second half of the year(hence the "+"). Those three needed to step it up another level next year for the O’s to be competitive in the coming years.

Catching :(C) Matt Wieters = Joe Mauer with power? Really? More like “AL equivalent of Ryan Doumit”

First Base: (F) A huge hole in the Orioles team. Dave is there any prospects able to fill the position?

Second Base: (C) Roberts’ was injured, but he didn’t exactly tear it up when he came back (.278/4/15)

Third Base: (C) Miggy was another classic “over the hill” signing by the Orioles; Prospect Josh Bell had a rough rookie campaign, but as a Pirates’ fan, I love prospects! Best of luck to Bell next year!

Shortshop: (D) Izturis played for the Bucs two years ago and by “played” I mean that he sat the bench… That’s right…for the Pirates

Outfield: (B) Adam Jones and Nick Markakis are by far the most talented players on the team. Both are long term pieces of the puzzle. I like how manager Buck Showalter pistol whipped Jones and his attitude. Left field is up for grabs at this point.

Designated Hitter: (B+) Luke Scott had a great year and could be in the DH spot for years to come.

Utility Man Ty Wigginton: (F) How can a utility man weight over 300 pounds?

Overall: (C-) A rough year with a dismal start. Everything was in disarray. I was picking out my case of beer, but then the O's brought in "The Show." Buck Showalter turned things around and he has given faith to many hopeful fans.

Offseason needs: Add a 1B and Cliff Lee