Cutch is Back!

Yesterday, the best player in the National League returned to PNC Park to right the sinking Pirates' ship (6 game losing streak) along the shores of the Allegheny River.

You might be saying, "Return? Where was Andrew McCutchen? Did he go on vacation?"

Heck no! and I'm offended that you asked!

Cutch was on the Disabled List (DL) for the first time in his 6 year career. McCutchen suffered an avulsion fracture from his rib after hitting a sacrifice fly in Arizona on July 4th. A WHAAAAATTT? Basically, his ligament ripped off a piece of his bone during the swing. Now you are intelligent person (despite your previous couple of questions) and you are thinking, "Wait, this guy swings a bat for a living. He has never been injured as a professional. And when he does get injured, it is a freak AVULSION FRACTURE OF THE RIBS?????"

Very strange, I know. If there was only more to the story....

OH WAIT THERE IS MORE TO THE STORY!

Exhibit A: The Precursor: Cutch gets hit in the back one day before his injury. To be clear, it is the same location of his avulsion fracture.

http://m.mlb.com/video/v35038931/?query=cutch%2Bdrilled%2Bby%2Bdelgado

This is a frame shot showing Arizona's catcher Miguel Montero using his middle finger to point at the MVP of before the hit by pitch. (not a typical catching sign fyi)


Why did this happen??? Is Cutch throwing bats at the Diamondbacks third basemen?

The night before a Pirates pitcher hit Paul Goldschmidt in the hand and it was later found out that his hand was fractured. Unfortunately for everyone, Goldy is out for the year because of it. The incident happened in the 9th inning on the eve of "Eff-Cutch gate" (official name still in pending).

Here is Goldy getting hit and it is obvious that Frieri did not intend to hit Goldy. In fact, Goldy swung into the pitch.

http://m.mlb.com/video/v35015681/?query=goldy%2Bhand

The Diamondbacks were more than dissapointed about the Goldschmidt injury. They were out for blood. They even claimed that the Pirates broke an unwritten rule when leading by 5 runs late in the game. Tony LaRussa, now a Diamondback executive, defended "Eff-Cutch Gate" by saying , "I don't see where the Diamondbacks should catch all this (expletive) they're catching." Later he basically stated that only Greg Maddux should be allowed to pitch inside, "So what's happened is some teams have developed this idea that they can pitch in and up. Well it's got rewards because I don't care if you're a right-hander or left-hander, that spot right there nobody gets to that pitch. So it's a hole for everybody. The problem is, unless you have Greg Maddux pitching, that's very risky area to throw in."

According to LaRussa, now that Greg Maddux is now in the hall of fame there should be no inside fastballs ever again in the history of baseball. Or maybe there should be an Inside Strike Proficiency Exam that MLB pitchers will have to register for and pass in order to have a chance against the best hitters in the world.

It's all a bunch of crap. The Diamonbacks petty and unreasonable retaliation is one of the reasons for the Pirates recent slide. And Major League Baseball has done nothing about this clearly intentional injury.

Hopefully, the Pirates can overcome these shenanigans to make a playoff push. If not, the Diamondbacks are blame.

Captain Edward John Smith, 1850-1912

I pulled a classic Captain Edward John Smith on Saturday.  How so?  Well, Captain Smith reportedly said, “I cannot conceive of any vital disaster happening to this vessel,” before he set out and sunk the Titanic in 1912.  Ok, so I didn’t cause a shipwreck that resulted in over 1,500 people drowning, but I did suffer from some majorly ironic foot-in-mouth disease when I glowed about Manny Machado in my first post in two years.  Since that post the world has turned upside down for the now villainous Machado because of a couple poor decisions in the recent O’s versus A’s series.  Our hyperspeed news cycle with its myriad talking heads have made Manny’s name Mud and call for his suspension mere hours after I wrote about the young star playing the game the way it’s supposed to be played.  Here is my perspective of this recent twist, and it’s not completely damage control:

In 2013, his first full season, Manny lit up the field as few 20-21 year-olds ever have.  He led baseball in doubles and earned the Platinum Glove, meaning he was the best defensive player in the American League.  At the very end of the season he blew out his knee, potentially ending his bright young career.  He rehabbed this winter and missed the start of this season, and when he finally started playing again in May, he wasn’t playing at his former level.  He’s currently hitting around .235 and he’s made uncharacteristic defensive miscues.  He’s not the toast of the town anymore, and as a 21 year-old he’s scared to death that he won’t regain his prior skill, which seemed to have destined him to be one of the great ones.

His young career hit a major speed bump and he’s having trouble with it, that much is obvious.  For some reason his troubles boiled over this weekend against the A’s.  First it was the “hard tag” against him on Friday (eh, it didn’t seem that hard, it just caught him off balance).  Sunday’s issues began with him thunking the A’s catcher twice with his backswing.  Ubaldo Jimenez sharted all around the strike zone and we were getting walloped 10-0.  Some A’s bullpen guy, Fernando Abad, felt like he could afford to plunk Machado to put him in his place – but I think the next detail is key – he threw at Machado’s fragile, surgically repaired left knee.  Manny obviously didn’t take kindly to that, and when Abad threw at Manny’s bum knee again on the NEXT PITCH, Manny made an ill-advised split second decision and let his bat slip from his hands and fly towards the A’s defense.  Both players were tossed after the scuffle.

Is Manny Machado compromised?  Is he now destined to become a spiteful young has been who allowed an injury to defeat his mind and ruin his career?  Will he spiral into the role of pariah and get quietly shuffled out of the league in all his wretched, spoiled talent?  Given my recent history with foot-in-mouth disease, my guess is: probably not.

Here’s why Manny will probably not become a sad, vindictive turd:

1.       Trend analysis doesn’t point to it – he’s played nearly a year and a half and this is his first flare-up.  He was tossed out of a game one other time for arguing pitch calls, but he doesn’t have a history of petulance.  He’s never been a maniac in the past.

2.       I think the pitches at his fragile knee are what made him snap.  If Abad had plunked him in the back like you’re supposed to, I don’t think Manny would have flown off the handle (pun intended).

3.       Buck Showalter is in charge.  With Buck at the helm, I don’t see Manny spiraling further away from sanity.  I like to think that Buck is too contemplative, meticulous, and observant to let that happen.  I’m guessing Manny’s public TV apology today was a condition set down by Buck, but I’m not sure.  I just have faith that a guy with Buck’s experience and respect for the game would settle down the young colt.

4.       Manny is surrounded by some potentially good baseball mentors.  Guys who know the ins and outs of the game and who have seen lean times need to step up and mentor him.  I’d look to JJ Hardy next door at shortstop and maybe an Adam Jones or Nick Markakis to sit Manny down and let him know he needs to take his lumps and lay off the bush league outbursts.

We’re fortunate that the O’s and A’s only meet for one more series this year (in July).  If this had occurred while playing an AL East rival, there would be the potential for many unhappy returns.  I hope maturity wins out in our July series.  Teams will definitely test the waters with Manny over the next couple weeks, and his future hinges on his response to these tests.  I hope for his sake that he grins and bears it.

Did You Miss Me?

My phone rang late last night around 0130.  I answered groggily and my wife jumped out of bed, thinking there was an emergency.  There wasn’t.  A buddy who I hadn’t talked to in four years was calling to chat.  In the span of those four years, he has gotten married, had a kid, and became a fighter pilot, but he wasn’t planning to talk about all that.  He wanted to talk baseball.  He’s a big Oakland A’s fan, and I’m the only  Orioles fan he knows, and he intended to talk smack about the A’s 11 inning triumph over the O’s earlier in the night (the consumption of frosty beverages probably contributed to his decision to call).

Besides merely lampooning the O’s and our failed scoring chance in the 10^th, he asked me why it’s been TWO YEARS since I last contributed to TPHB.  Apparently he’s one of those Bastards fans who compulsively checks for new articles and is perpetually let down by my lack of effort.  My secretary handles the bulk of my fan mail, replying to every gushing note of praise with our form letter that tells the reader to “Keep on slugging, pal!” with my signature stamped at the bottom to give it a personal touch.  In cases like this when the stalker/fan has my personal number, I have to deal with the peasantry myself…at 0130 in the morning.

The last time you heard from me the O’s were stampeding to 93 wins and an ALDS heartbreaker series against the Yankees in 2012.  It was our first winning season since the nineties, but a wildcard berth and a divisional series loss to the Yankees left me hungry for more.  Humans are greedy.  Today we’re about a third of the way through the 2014 season after another winning effort in 2013, and it doesn't suck so bad being an O’s fan anymore.  I’d love for us to be better, but the bad old days are tentatively behind us.  To bring everyone back up to speed since my last inspired post, I've created a list of stuff that I currently like, spanning the spectrum to stuff I currently hate.  You’re welcome.

↓ STUFF I LIKE ↓

-          Manny Machado.  He approaches the game with hustle, humility, and preparation.  Most talented young guys these days miss the boat on at least a few of those traits.  More on that topic later, but Manny approaches the game properly and he’s a joy to watch.  His blown-out knee at the end of last season was the absolute worst thing that happened over those 162 games.  Let's hope he gets back his graceful excellence as the season progresses.

-          Baseball GIFs and memes.  I’m still not sure if you pronounce it “meem” or “mim”.  I’ve used both in public and based on people’s normal reactions to both options, I don’t think I’m alone in my uncertainty.

-          The Rays are playing like the Devil Rays.  Tampa Bay is currently 24 – 38 and I’m loving it McDonald’s style.  They’ve been annoyingly good for long enough.

-          Alex Roidriguez has 0 at bats this year.

-          Dragons.

-          The Red Sox outfielders are on pace to have the worst collective batting average (.215) than any set of outfielders EVER in the 162 game era (53 years).  I’m on the fence about whether or not Boston is any good this season – they could always make a run.  I’m still reeling from them bouncing back from a 93 loss season in 2012 to win the World Series last year.  Who the frick saw that coming?

-          The Pirates are just slightly worse than the O’s right now. That’s how I like to keep things due to me and Mark’s perpetual Case Race.  I like the Buccos and I hope they do just well enough to be one game back from the Orioles every year. 

-          Soon to be 34 year-old bopper Nelson Cruz currently leads the league with 21 home runs and 55 RBI.  We picked him up after he served a PED suspension, and no one in baseball is questioning his career-best numbers.  People tend to look back at the crazy home run numbers that McGuire, Bonds, and Sosa were putting up a decade ago and say “How could we be so naïve?  Of course we should have known something was going on.”  Well, guess what?  We haven’t changed a bit.  I hope Nelson hits 60 homers for us this year.

-          The O’s stable full of young arms.  Over the last, oh I don’t know, many seasons, we seem to have a group of golden-armed youths on the brink of the big leagues.  There’s much breathless conjecture on whether or not we should preemptively retire the newest stud’s number as a nod to his unarguable future greatness, and then guess what?  It don’t work out so good, does it?  Our young pitchers have not panned out – we drafted Matt Hobgood 5^th overall in the 2009 draft, leaving Mike Trout on the board to go 25^th (20/20 hindsight), and then Hobgood has trouble even succeeding in single A ball.  Brian Matusz is just a bullpen guy, Jake Arrieta is a Cub, and Zack Britton is our newly minted closer after Tommy “Give ‘em hell” Hunter found out that throwing fast just isn’t good enough (who saw that coming?).  Kevin Gausman is a shaky starter who bounces back and forth from AAA, and Dylan Bundy, the shining star on the horizon, succumbed to Tommy John surgery even while we babied his precious arm in the minors.  Andy MacPhail’s plan was ‘Grow the Arms, Buy the Bats’ – well maybe we don’t have the green thumb required for pitchers because these flowers done rotted.

-          Bryce Harper, Yasiel Puig, and Mike Trout.  These three young guys get more hype than a Kardashian wedding.  I really dislike the tendency to lionize individuals and crown them for potential actions rather than real actions (like giving the Nobel Peace Prize to someone before they serve in any peace-giving capacity #obamanation #boomroasted).  As good as these youngsters are, it’s highly unlikely that all three of them will achieve baseball greatness, and they might as well realize that.  Mike Trout is less of a show-boater than the other two, who definitely need to simmer down with the swagger and show the game some respect.  Yeah, I sound like a crotchety geezer, but someone’s got to protect the world from these kids with their wild bat-flips and flashy head-first dives.

-          Twitter, with its hashtags and such.  A couple years ago I signed up for a Twitter and tried to Twit some stuff.  I couldn’t figure out when to use the @ and when to use the #, plus I didn’t get the overall point of blasting my thoughts out to the whole dadgum world, so I went back to writing blog posts…#YOLO

-          What in the world got into the Blue Jays?  They’re hitting, they’re pitching, they’re taking your girlfriend out to dinner, and no one predicted it (they’re currently 5.5 games up in the AL East).

-          Miley Cyrus, Twerking, Selfies, Boko Haram, Justin Bieber, and the wholesale destruction of western civilization.  The world’s a sad sad place – go watch that KONY 2012 video.  Thanks for your selfless activism.

Sidenote: I really didn’t understand the First Lady’s #BringBackOurGirls viral anti-Boko Haram message…she’s married to the most influential man on the planet, instead of Twitting about it or whatever, why not bring up the missing girls over dinner?  I know it’s generally unpopular and distasteful to cast aspersions on the First Lady, but I just thought that was really odd.

-          Brian Roberts is a Yankee.  This one hurts, guys.  It hurts real bad.  My favorite Oriole of the Dark Decade (2000-10) is Brian Roberts.  He was an All Star second baseman, a spark plug leadoff guy, and just a good baseball dude.  I understand that he just wants to play and the Yankees gave him a job, but he has to understand that I burned my B-Rob jersey at the foot of my Cal Ripken Jr. shrine and mailed Roberts a dismembered bobblehead voodoo doll of himself.  Thanks for the memories, B-Rob.  You’re dead to me.

-          The Derek Jeter is Finally Retiring Love Fest.  Wow, let me take a deep breath.  The end of this season is gonna suck.  I was hoping this sorry excuse for a shortstop would get put out to pasture before I moved back to the US so I wouldn’t have to endure this ridiculousness.  And do you want to know what really grinds my gears?  These other baseball clubs who are paying his retirement any mind.  As if his career positively impacted them.  Give me a motherloving break.  The Chicago White Sox gave him this worthless bat-bench earlier this year.

Why in the world would you as an American League opponent bow down before this filthy Yankee and gift him with something so pathetic?  If I had been sitting in on a White Sox organizational meeting and some chunderbucket brought an idea up about honoring Jeter when the Yanks come to town, I would have busted his skull open with my Walkman.

I’m not going to watch the All Star game this year.  Derek Jeter will ruin it with his awfulness.  Good Riddance.

↑ STUFF I HATE ↑

~~When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves.~~

William Arthur Ward

Only in Comerica (#4 in a series of 30)

The visit to Comerica Park, home of the Detroit Tigers, took place on May 18^th, 2012. Cait and I were accompanied by Stephen and Allison Chaves, who live in Ann Arbor, MI.

Field: Comerica Park opened in 2000 in downtown Detroit, with a seating capacity of just over 41,000.

They really ran with the Tigers theme. By that, I mean that there were Tigers everywhere. The entrance was guarded by large cement Tiger statues that Nebuchadnezzar would be proud of. Inside the stadium, there were two amusement park rides. A classic carousel but the horses were replaced with what else, but Tigers. The other ride was mini Farris wheel. Great stuff for the kids, as long as they like large jungle cats.

Our seats offered a perfect view of the field, scoreboard and skyline backdrop. The field was actually about 20 feet below street level. This allowed a clear view of the city without taking away seats in the outfield.  True, the view is not spectacular but it embraces the city rather than hiding it.

The dimensions symmetrical and made the outfield rather spacious. Comerica is more of a “pitcher’s” ballpark versus the previous Tiger stadium which was known as a launching pad. The batter’s eye in centerfield turns into the Chevrolet Fountain following home runs and victories. Rating 14/15.

Food: I was disappointed in this category to say the least. I did my usual stadium research where I try to find the best seats, best food, best beer etc. Nothing came up like “You have to get the ____.” Or “A true Detroit specialty, ______, is served at Comerica Park.” I even had my brother (Michigan State Grad), text his friend, who lives in Detroit, on what to eat in the stadium. His response was “I get the STD Hot Dog.” My brother relays the message to me. I’m excited. I can’t wait to try a S.T.D. hot dog. Must be a underground Detroit specialty with motor oil on the top or something… I walk into the stadium and ask the ticket attendant, “Where can I get a S. T. D. hot dog?” The grey haired man is appalled at my question and replies with, “Sounds like something they would serve in Pittsburgh, we don’t have that here.”

I’m reelling after getting dissed by a retired Chevy union worker and respond with, “Ok. So, what to people eat around here?” He points me to the generic concession stand and says, “the chicken fingers and fries are pretty good.”

Wow, real original Detroit!

While walking around, I found a really long line for "Hot Fries." They were tasty, but nothing more than Season-All sprinkled on some crinkle fries. 

Food Rating: 2/10

Side Note: I later thought through the situation again and realized that “STD” was short for “Standard.” And that just made me feel like an idiot.

Fans: The atmosphere at Comerica was incredible. The Tigers were heavy favorites to win the AL Central in 2012, so there was a lot of hype surrounding the team. The game was on Friday night with a fireworks show schedule for after the game. Also, the Tigers’ ace, Justin Verlander was pitching a no-hitter into the 9^th inning. The sold out crowd was getting so loud after every 100mph fastball in the 9^th inning. It was an amazing pitching performance and the crowd rewarded their stud pitcher. Fan rating 5/5

Total 21/30 

Next Up: Minute Maid Park in Houston, TX!

A National Pastime (3rd in a series of 30)

The third stadium in my tour of MLB ballparks was Nationals Park in Washington D.C. The visit was on Sunday July 3rd, 2011. I know, I know it is 2013 now. My bad. Better late than never...

On the stadium visit, Cait and I were accompanied by Nate and Maryn Forney and Beth Flowers. We also got to meet up with some other life long Bucco fan, Sam Modico.

Field: Nationals Park opened in 2008 with a seating capacity around 41,500. It is located 2 miles directly south of the Capital Building, near the Navy Yard. Yet, it faces away from the merging Potomac and Anacostia Rivers. I bring this up because from inside the stadium, you have no idea where you are located. Wouldn't it be great to be able to see a fly ball with the US Capital, Monuments, etc in the background or have a home run ball splash into the Potomac? Announcers would love either scenario, "That guy has some Potomac Power!" or "Only Lincoln has a chance to catch that one! GOODBYE!" Instead, the stadium faces a billion cliche and boring office buildings. 

As for the park and field, they were still very clean/new and the playing field looked flawless. The dimensions were standard and symmetrical, ~335' down the foul lines and 402' in center. I thought they did a great job designing left center-field stands, where The Red Porch is located (see picture on right). It is a full service restaurant that makes normally boring seats into a unique and specialized area. On the contrary, the design of right center-field is an eye sore. It houses the necessary but ugly auxiliary entrance, which is adjacent to the classy and well maintain turf that makes up the batter's eye. Most stadiums hide this sort of entrance in one of the outfield corners instead of the middle of viewers eye. 

Lastly, I should mention that Nationals Park was the first LEED certified "green" stadium in America. This was most visible on the roofs of the concession stands were they had sod to reduce heating and cooling cost.  Very cool and innovated, which puts it just above "average." Overall rating 9/15 

Food:

The thing to eat at Nationals Park was Ben's Chili Bowl. Did I mention that it was like 100 degrees with humidity, not a cloud in the sky and absolutely no air circulation? Could molten hot chili with a south of the Mason Dixon line spice possibly be the worst food item to eat? The answer is no. I decided to hedge my bets and go for Ben's Chili Cheese Dog (shot of Pepto was 50 cents extra). I paired it with a Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy to help cool me off. (side note: the service at the beer stand was awful. Nate and I were second in line and it took literally 20 mins to get a beer. There were multiple employees texting instead of working.-1 pt)
The Chili Cheese Dog was rather delicious, but it didn't really "hit the spot" in the middle of summer.  Unless the spot was my sagging Jockey Briefs... Overall, rating 6/10.

Fans: I have realized that this is one of the hardest categories to judge based on the circumstance of the game. What time of year is it? Is the Home team in contention? Weeknight versus weekend? So, I have decided to make this section only worth 5 pts and bumped up the food category to 10 pts. That being said, this Nationals team was prior to contention with Strasburg and Bryce Harper in 2012. As the picture at the top of the page shows, the crowds during the middle of the season were average. I didn't get heckled at all. I never felt nervous or that I was entering enemy territory (I felt this way in Philly, NY and Detriot). Also, the Pirates jumped out to a 8-0 lead in the 2nd inning, also limiting the excitement for the home town fans. And did I mention it was 100 degrees? Rating of 1/5.

Total score of 16/30.

My lovely and willing wife, who accompanies me to ballparks across the US!

Up Next: Comerica Park in Detriot

Orioles – it's not you, it's me?

The last time I wrote about the O's, that cruise ship, the Costa Concordia, had just crashed off the coast of Italy, you hadn't yet heard of and subsequently forgotten about Joseph Kony, and Joe Paterno was the winningest coach in D1 college football history.  Back then I told you that this season would be ugly.  I said that we weren't going to win games.  I said a lot of hurtful things that I wish I could take back.  I was young and arrogant and misinformed.  I'm not the man I used to be, baby.  I've grown and learned a lot since then and I'm going to value and appreciate you more than ever.

Your 2012 Baltimore Orioles are currently 73-58.  That's 15 games OVER .500 (and I didn't even expect them to sniff .500).  They have a big weekend in New York, and are just two games back from the division lead.  This time last year we were 54-81.  That's frickin' 27 games UNDER .500.  The O's are 24-6 in one run games, and have a 12 game extra-inning win streak going.  Sports journalists from coast to coast have been speculating as to how a team that scores less runs than it gives up can be in the playoff hunt.  People tend to think it's our consistent bullpen, or young guys stepping up, or some have just given up and said that we're lucky.  Maybe some or all three of these aspects have contributed slightly, but these journalists have missed the most important factor in the Orioles' success...ME!

Think about it, people.  What's been the one constant during the 14 losing years of O's baseball that was finally broken this year?  I have attended at least a game a year at least as long as I can remember, except for the 2012 season.  All this time I've been blaming everyone but myself about our long-lasting drought, but now it's clear – my presence at O's games has been the cancer.  Last year we would have had a great season if I hadn't made the 12 hour roundtrip drive from Florida's panhandle to Atlanta to watch the Braves shut us out 2-0.  That was the only game I went to, and this year I'm still in hiding because of YESH, so it doesn't look like I'll make it to any in 2012.

How do I feel now that I've come to grips with the fact that I am responsible for more than a decade of pain and agony?  Kinda like this – 

Then my expression changed to this –

And then it really hit me – 

I guess I'll have to cope with this realization and move on; it's just still tender right now.

So, let's change the subject, maybe it'll help me through the healing process.

Ah, here's a promising topic – the Red Sox have imploded on themselves like a neutron star.  The Sux are currently nine games under .500 and have traded off their big name players in a recent fire sale with the Dodgers.  Youkilis went to the White Sox and is blossoming there.  Bobby Valentine has trouble in the clubhouse, with players TEXTING over his head to management.  Yeah, the disgruntled Red Sox players had the courage to text their problems to the front office, led by their spokesman, er, I mean textman, Adrian Gonzalez.  Apparently they took issue with Bobby V leaving Jon Lester in the game while he was getting shelled early in a July 22nd game.  The pissed players followed Conflict Resolution 101 by huddling around the highest-paid player's smartphone while he bravely tapped "Send" and alerted the front office of their opinion.  Afterwards, they high-fived, gave one another a few "atta boy" butt slaps, and hit the showers.  All in a day's work.

I have loved watching the high school drama out of Boston, and I've also reveled in the nagging injuries of the decrepit Yankees.  I barely recognize their roster for today.  A-Roid is out with a broken hand, Teixeira (The Traitor) pulled his calf, and Curtis Granderson just hurt his hammy in the game today.  The Yanks are getting old, and it's a pleasure to watch them stumble at the finish line as the post season approaches.

As I said earlier, I'm deeply sorry for cursing the O's with my presence since the 90's, and I'll get sure to steer clear of games through the end of the season.  I also apologize for my dreary statements from January about this year, hopefully now that we've ascertained the source of our failures, our future will be bright.  At any rate, have fun watching some exciting Baltimore baseball this Fall, and hit the books – you never know when you might face a high-risk brain twister like this:

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly – Your 2012 Baltimore Orioles

To all fourteen of you remaining O's fans out there, I would like to apologize for my extended time of absence.  Since surviving the attack from the Yankee Extremist Sect – Havana (YESH), I've been fleeing them in a tour of Europe, and the pitiful drama that is the Baltimore Orioles seems of no consequence when one is eyeing the Parthenon, touring Saint Mark's Square, or quaffing Hofbrauhaus beer by the liter.  I have not forsaken my roots, but I'm dadgum close to it. 

Ok, I don't hide it well, I still care about the O's; I've only adapted a more fatalistic mentality towards them over the last few months.  They are going to play, and lose.  They will waste money on Albert Belle, Vlad Guerrero, and Slammalamma Ding Dong types (Sammy Sosa – for those TPHB fans who are slow), they will ruin exceptional young talent (cue Brian Matusz quietly weeping in the corner of the locker room), they will alienate those who made them great (Frank Robinson and Cal Ripken nodding), they will purge their Minor League system every August and rush young prospects to the bigs (as Josh Bell crams another cheeseburger down his gullet in agreement), they will be the epicenter of sport-killing scandals (Larry Bigbie, Raffy, David Segui, and company, refusing to make eye contact), and Peter Angelos will live forever.

With those irrefutable facts in mind, let's assess our rosy outlook for 2012:

THE GOOD

The only thing the O's got going for them is this –

The reemergence of the fabled cartoon Oriole bird is long overdue.  Remember what happened to the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays when they revamped everything – they became a decent baseball team.  That won't happen to us, I'm mentioning it just because.

Here's another fleeting bit of Good – MATT WIETERS IS A TOTAL STUD.  To all those haters who said Wiet-wiet was the biggest bust of all time – go back to sniffing Jeter's thong, you clowns don't know what you're talking about and your communication privileges have been revoked.

Our 2011 All-Star took some time getting his feet under him, but he's climbed into the Best Catcher in the American League chair, and there ain't nobody gonna dethrone him over the next twenty dadgum years.  Jorge "Ratface" Posada finally hung up his nancy-fied little cleats, and now Matthew is going to grab the headlines he deserves.  Our "Joe Mauer with Power" hit 22 home runs last year, 28 doubles, and oh, by the way, got a frickin' Gold Glove for his defensive prowess.

Do me a favor and go to baseballplayersalaries.com

This site compares player cost to their performance.  This is my confirmation that Wiet-wiet is a total stud.  It's science.  Take a few minutes to look up your top five favorite players, then your five least favorite.  It's interesting.

THE BAD

There's a dizzying amount of directions I could go with this.  I'll provide a handful of one-liners to get my mind in order.

Loudmouth Slugger Luke Scott went to the Rays on a one-year contract

Brian Roberts, per doctor's orders, is skipping an upcoming autograph session...yes, giving autographs may be harmful to his recovery

Nick "The Franchise" Markakis is having surgery on his six-pack

Andy MacPhail is gone, and our new GM is Dan Duquette, who spent eight years with the Red Sux

Adam "Bubblegum" Jones is getting shopped (is this real life?)

Prince Fielder is nearly a Washington National, further stealing fans in our market

The New York Yankees still exist

77 year-old Commissioner, Bud Selig, signed on for another two years

Old people jokes remind me of JoePa

Our biggest acquisition this off-season is Tsuyoshi Wada, of the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks

Our second biggest acquisition is Wei-Yin Chen, of the Chunichi Dragons

Longtime Oriole, finger-wagging Raffy Palmeiro, received only 13 percent "yea" in the recent HOF vote

Ok, that news isn't the greatest.  We've changed some, but that doesn't mean we've improved.  Maybe Danny Duquette's Asian diplomacy program works, and these new guys can eat some innings.  Maybe 'Kaks abs are fine for Opening Day, maybe B-Rob (the best Oriole of last decade) improves enough that he can play a little towards the end of the season, maybe Adam Jones remains an Oriole for another year.  Maybe some sort of Mayan curse will descend on Yankee Stadium and remove that unholy stain from humanity.  Maybe.
 

Last season our big pickup was the geriatric combo of Vlad and Derrick Lee, for which I prayed fervently, but this year I'm withholding hope.  I know the Yankees and Sox haven't spent much this winter, but even so, we've done less.  Even if we pitch slightly better this year, we'll score less runs without the upgrade of a bat and the loss of whatever Scott/Vlad/Lee/Roberts could provide.

We won't be .500 this year.  Maybe somehow we'll win a couple more games, but I'm not going to naively suggest that we'll somehow figure things out and make a wild card run.  Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

THE UGLY

Mike Flanagan was a good man.  Peter Gammons wrote about his pun-filled sense of humor, and fans everywhere remember him as a great Oriole pitcher.  On August 24th of last year, in a state of despair over financial issues, and perhaps a feeling of failure after his stint as the Vice President of the O's, he used alcohol and a 12 gauge to take his life.  He was 59 years old, leaving a wife and kids.

The season I worked for the O's, I passed Mike Flanagan a couple times in the hall as he went to the MASN booth.  He was cordial and friendly in the ten seconds I interacted with him.  He was more than his 167 wins and the Cy Young Award.  He was passionate about the O's, and while I won't pretend I knew the guy, his time as a pitcher, a coach, an executive, and a broadcaster proves how much he cared for the Orioles family.  I'm not going to speculate or comment further on the sad events, I just wanted to acknowledge Flanny's fine contribution and sad parting.

Ok, I realize this post is not all butterflies and daisies.  This is the state of the Baltimore Orioles.  It's not going to be pretty this year, but that's ok.  We're in a holding pattern, playing a waiting game.  Someday, many, many years from now, the Orioles will be a well-run organization that wins games.  In the meantime, buy a hat with the new logo, enjoy a year of decline from the Yanks and Sux, and patiently wait for the dawning of a brighter day.  In spite of all the doom and gloom, there are insanely cute things like this around...

Until next time