Newsflash: I am not a fashionista. For those of you who know me personally, this news should not be earth-shattering. When my pants wear out, I cut them into shorts. When my shirts get old or don't fit, I cut them up and add them to my ghillie suit. Hole-filled socks become shoe-polishing cloths. The range of the color spectrum that my clothes occupy spans from forest green to blue to dark blue. My general appearance ranges from mountain man to disheveled derelict. There is, however, one aspect of style that is important to me, and that is the fabric which crowns my cranium. The baseball cap I wear is my singular attempt at self-expression through clothing. I've not yet mastered the art of matching my hat to the rest of my outfit. I guess that's why there are women in my life. I'll never equal a woman's excitement for fashion, nor would I want to.
Women hoard shoes like squirrels stockpile acorns for winter. When driving with a female, it is not uncommon for an intense, smoldering excitement to overcome her countenance when you pass by a shoe store. Her voice becomes shrill and her hands twitch spasmodically as she rifles through her purse in search of a credit card, although she only desires to "look". That's how I am with hats. I only want to look, but usually about two and a half seconds later the plastic is swiped and I'm scribbling out my signature on the receipt. At this point in my cap-purchasing career, my number of hats rivals the amount of shoes that Yankees-fan Lady Gaga owns, or perhaps even the quantity of genders she's been.
The current head accessory which has found itself in my favor is the Twins FORTY SEVEN BRAND Cooperstown Current O's cap:
I went old school with this one, with the orange block "B" in the front, while on the back it designates the Orioles' first year in the American League- "BALTIMORE 1901". This hat works for me because it's unique and displays my aptitude for team history. I like the eye-catching orange bill and fitted design. It sits on my head well and doesn't peak in the middle, which is important for pin-headed guys so that our craniums look proportional to the rest of our bodies. This hat is my current winner, so let's take a look at the three factors that make a good ball cap.
Sizing
Sizing has to do with the fit and how the hat interacts with and enhances your head region. As I stated, big, high-peaked caps tend to dwarf guys with relatively small skulls. When I discovered Twin Enterprises' Franchise hats years ago, I was finally emancipated from the pin-head club and free to look like a normal human being. Franchise hats slope cleanly along the scalp and keep a proper low-profile. Big-headed buffoons have more options. Trucker caps can promote a man's overall large figure and make him look even taller than normal, if intimidation is your thing. Or trucking. Some goobers like their hat to come down over their ears, and if you're reading this and you're one of those guys, it's time to move out of grandma's basement and start wearing your hat like a man.
Fit is important because it ensures that you won't have an aneurysm if it's too tight or that your hat won't blow off just because a horsefly buzzes past your head. Fitted hats are the Cadillacs of the baseball cap world. They are smooth and comfortable and luxurious. Fitted hats show that you are a master of your cranial domain. Flex-fit hats are a step down from fitted. The elastic in the band can provide a good fit, but I remember a flex-fit cap from high school that didn't fit so well once the elastic got stretched too much. Below the flex-fits are the snap closures, both plastic and metal. I used to wear plastic snap hats almost exclusively.
My favorite hat from age 12 to 18 was a plastic snap trooper. By the time it was retired, it was faded and dirty, with sweat stains on the sides. The bill was broken in half, and the plastic frame was showing because the rim on the edge of the bill had fuzzed up and the fabric gave way. The plastic snaps in the back had been busted off and a residuey piece of duct tape secured it. It was a great hat, even though it looked like a roadkill possum by the time I released it into the wild. Velcro-fitted hats are generally a no-no. They can catch on collared shirts and hair and just look cheap. You can do better than that. As for the remaining design with the adjustable cloth strap and the metal clasp that always slips, this is relegated to dads, hikers, and Europeans. If you're a hiking European father, you are required by law to wear this adjustable fitting.
Utility
Believe it or not, hats can serve a purpose besides making you ridiculously good-looking. That's where utility comes into the picture. Mesh hats can provide air conditioning for summer scorchers, and some hats protect against the cold better than others. When looking at a hat, consider under what conditions you would be wearing it most. A really sunny environment might justify a lighter color that won't absorb hot sunlight and a longer bill to shade your eyes. In rainy conditions, a quick-drying material or GORE-TEX waterproofer would work best. You can find hats with LED lights in the bill, but honestly, that seems a little much to me. I have a head lamp for camping and seeing at night, and I don't feel the need for a Swiss Army hybrid. I've even seen hats with a bottle-opener attached to the bill, which is probably a great idea. Imagine how many chicks you could impress at the bar by using your sweaty Kyle Busch #18 hat to pop the caps off of their Bud Lights? The mental image is pretty compelling.
Ultimately, the utility of a hat will be the least important factor. For the most part, a hat is a hat, and there's not enough variation in ball cap designs to justify a lot of angst in the buying process.
Message
Here's the crux of the new baseball cap purchasing decision. We buy a hat with the purpose of sending a message to everyone who sees us. There are 164 different Orioles hats for sale at Lids.com. That means that there's at least 164 ways to tell people that you're an Orioles fan. Messages can range from "fella i tell yo' whut, ev'ry time i wears this camo hat i shoot a dadgum thirty point buck!"
to "yeea son ah grew up in da suburbs, but ah be uh thug at heart brace yourself foo'!" (sorry for that, but that is the actual phrase that came out when I used an online Ebonics translator)
to "Pardon me, kind sir, what year was this cabernet sauvignon? Pip pip, cheerio."
As you can see, there is a wide variety of options from which to choose. The message you want to send usually relates to your personality or interests. When you wear a hat with a logo on it, you are providing the owner of the logo free advertising. That's why I find it intriguing when I see people wearing a hat with just a Nike swoosh or a Ford logo or a Monster Energy Drink graphic. These are blatant advertisements for a brand, and it reminds us that our sports teams are also brands. These baseball enterprises are ultimately corporations, and when we model their gear, we are endorsing them. With this in mind, we shouldn't take the purchasing decision for a cap lightly. Some people are even renting out their foreheads to companies to tattoo a logo there. My first thought when I heard about this was "Why not just pay the guy to wear a hat with the logo?"
My next thought was "Aren't tattoos fairly permanent? These contracts can't span the guy's whole life. What an idiot."
My final thought on the matter was "Dang, I have a pretty big forehead, I wonder how much it's worth?"
So maybe this was more than you ever wanted to read about baseball caps, but next time you're browsing over a shelf of hats, I'll bet you remember this article, and maybe even apply some of it to your purchasing decision. Finally, remember, my fellow fashionistas:
*~*~Fashions Fade, But Style is Eternal!*~*~
...Ok, someone do me a favor and come crack me in the face with a Louisville Slugger.
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| Me last year after I busted my parole. I had spent the whole summer with my hat on backwards. How embarrassing. |
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