Re: The Orioles' Offseason

Happy New Years everyone!  I realize I'm a month late, but I've been really wrapped up in this contested Ivory Coast election.  Who will come out as the victor?  Gbagbo or Ouattara?  Ouattara or Gbagbo?  It's so exciting, I'm sure you've been crazy about it as well.  And those UN sanctions?!  That Ban Ki-Moon is quite a rigid Secretary General!  But I digress, I know if I get my readers stuck on this topic we'll never get down to brass tacks.

Anyways, the ORIOLES!  Hey, not a bad offseason, huh?  Not a great one, mind you.  I haven't booked my plane tickets into BWI for late October, but let's hear it for a winning season!  We have some promise for 2011.  I am at times perplexed with Andy MacPhail's strategy (or potential lack thereof), but with Mr. .596 (Buck Showalter's winning percentage with the O's) calling a lot of the shots, I'm for any changes deemed necessary.  In case you've spent the winter hibernating (or rioting in Egypt), here's a breakdown of our offseason moves:

The Boppers – Mark Reynolds, Derrek Lee, and (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE) maybe Vladimir Guerrero (knock on wood, cross your fingers, do a rain dance).  The Vlad deal is still in the works.  We've offered $4 million with some flex to maybe go $5 million.  Vlad made $6.5 last year, rebounding from a down year to 29 homers and a .300 average.  If he signs to play DH for us, Luke "Nobama" Scott would move to left field.  Scott led the club with 27 bombs last year.

Mark Reynolds will be manning third base.  Yeah, yeah, detractors can laugh at his eye-popping strikeout totals and sub-Mendoza-line batting average, but he hit 32 homers last year, and 44 the year before that.  We gave up two dead-end relief pitching scrubs, so I'll take it for now until Josh Bell proves himself to be MLB ready.

And how about upgrading from a completely vacant first base position to Silver Slugger Derrek Lee?  He had an injured thumb last year and still hit 19 homers.  He'll be good for 25 this year.  With the addition of Reynolds and Lee at the corners, and maybe Vlad at DH, we're looking at potentially 90 more homers for 2011.  I understand that home runs don't always directly correlate with more wins, but they don't hurt.  Plus, it might get a few more butts in the seats.  I'm sure Peter Angelos could use the money. 

The Hurlers – Justin Duchscherer, Kevin Gregg, Jeremy Guthrie, and Koji Uehara.  Ok, the Stormin' Mormon and 'Mutton Chop' Uehara are no strangers to 333 West Camden Street, but we inked them both for a few more years and a few more dollars this winter.

Kevin Gregg is a solid pickup for the bullpen, as he made 63 appearances last year and threw for a 3.51 ERA.  We promised him he would close for us.  Let's hope he turns out better than the Mike 'Candy Arm' Gonzalez experiment from last year.  

Justin Duchscherer signed a deal with us today for a one-year contract.  He has a career 3.13 ERA, but has had more hip-surgeries than both my grandmas combined.  We got him for cheap, and he'll be handy in the back end of the rotation and allow some of our young studs to build up some experience down on the farm.  So, no, this isn't the 1971 squad with Jim Palmer, Pat Dobson, Dave McNally, and Mike Cueller (all 20 game winners that season), but these modest upgrades are improvements nonetheless. 

The Leathermen – JJ Hardy, Healthy Brian Roberts.  I thought Cesar Izturis was a good shortstop.  He's a Gold Glover and solid up the middle.  But he hit like a turd.  If you're going to bat .230 every year, I need to see more than 1 homer and 28 RBIs.  JJ Hardy is a nice upgrade who can hit in the .280 range and is a better-than-average fielder.  Let's hope Hardy can stay healthy.  

Speaking of healthy, how about the Orioles' Best Player of the Past Decade and my man-crush, Brian Roberts?  BRob says his back is feeling great and is pumped about the upgrades to the team.  The Birds will look pretty snazzy with Hardy and BRob turning two this season.  

I texted Nick "The Franchise" Markakis asking for his thoughts, but he has yet to get back to me.  His wife, Christina, called my lovely fiance Emily to chat, and reminded her that Nick was bear hunting in New Brunswick, Canada as per usual.  I guess he doesn't get cell service up there.  We all know he goes up there just so he can grow his mountain-man beard.

The Chaff – Troy Patton, Jeff Fiorentino, Nick Green, Mark Hendrickson, Brendan Harris, et al.  I debated about giving these chucklebuckets any acknowledgement at all, but I suppose that even the red-headed stepchildren of the world deserve a sentence or two written about them.  Let's see.  

Troy Patton is one of our few left-handed relievers, and the ONLY one to get a DWI this offseason.  Nice job, Troy!  

Jeff Fiorentino came back to the O's today, after playing in Japan with the Hiroshima Carp of the Central League and batting .246.  You can't make this stuff up, people!  Omedetou, Jeff!  

Journeyman utility infielder Nick Green signed a minor league deal with us this December, making Baltimore his ninth port of call.  Ninth time's a charm, Nick!  

Mark Hendrickson also signed a minor league deal with us today, after a stellar 1-6 record last year and a 5.36 ERA.  Good to have ya back, Mark!

Brendan Harris – I don't even know who you are, man.  The Twins just threw you in with the JJ Hardy deal and we were like, "eh, fine, we'll take him."

I'm sure there are other fine young men who made forgettable (obviously) signings with us this winter, but right now I'm drawing a blank.

The Pirates – Speaking of chaff, how about those Buccos?  First off, let me preface this with an analogy:

Have you ever dated a girl who turned out to be a complete sloppy nutcase, so you broke up?  Later on, you see that a guy who you can't stand has started dating her, so you smile to yourself, giddily imagining the mess he's unknowingly in and the misery to follow.  Yeah, that jerk you don't like is the Pirates, and that brick of a girl who makes Snooki out to be Marie Curie is GARRETT ATKINS.

If you really wanted to, you could pull up the column Mark wrote in November, ripping the Orioles', um, third baseman.  So guess who was Pittsburgh's big acquisition this winter?  None other than the 1 home run, 9 RBI, .214 batting average bust that was Garrett Bernard Atkins.  Wow, I wonder who has the leg up on the Case Race this year?

I can taste that Natty Boh's now.

The Pirates came so close to picking up Derek Jeter.  Everyone thought it was a done deal until the Yankees curiously signed him.