To all fourteen of you remaining O's fans out there, I would like to apologize for my extended time of absence. Since surviving the attack from the Yankee Extremist Sect – Havana (YESH), I've been fleeing them in a tour of Europe, and the pitiful drama that is the Baltimore Orioles seems of no consequence when one is eyeing the Parthenon, touring Saint Mark's Square, or quaffing Hofbrauhaus beer by the liter. I have not forsaken my roots, but I'm dadgum close to it.
Ok, I don't hide it well, I still care about the O's; I've only adapted a more fatalistic mentality towards them over the last few months. They are going to play, and lose. They will waste money on Albert Belle, Vlad Guerrero, and Slammalamma Ding Dong types (Sammy Sosa – for those TPHB fans who are slow), they will ruin exceptional young talent (cue Brian Matusz quietly weeping in the corner of the locker room), they will alienate those who made them great (Frank Robinson and Cal Ripken nodding), they will purge their Minor League system every August and rush young prospects to the bigs (as Josh Bell crams another cheeseburger down his gullet in agreement), they will be the epicenter of sport-killing scandals (Larry Bigbie, Raffy, David Segui, and company, refusing to make eye contact), and Peter Angelos will live forever.
With those irrefutable facts in mind, let's assess our rosy outlook for 2012:
THE GOOD
The only thing the O's got going for them is this –
Here's another fleeting bit of Good – MATT WIETERS IS A TOTAL STUD. To all those haters who said Wiet-wiet was the biggest bust of all time – go back to sniffing Jeter's thong, you clowns don't know what you're talking about and your communication privileges have been revoked.
Our 2011 All-Star took some time getting his feet under him, but he's climbed into the Best Catcher in the American League chair, and there ain't nobody gonna dethrone him over the next twenty dadgum years. Jorge "Ratface" Posada finally hung up his nancy-fied little cleats, and now Matthew is going to grab the headlines he deserves. Our "Joe Mauer with Power" hit 22 home runs last year, 28 doubles, and oh, by the way, got a frickin' Gold Glove for his defensive prowess.
Do me a favor and go to baseballplayersalaries.com
This site compares player cost to their performance. This is my confirmation that Wiet-wiet is a total stud. It's science. Take a few minutes to look up your top five favorite players, then your five least favorite. It's interesting.
THE BAD
There's a dizzying amount of directions I could go with this. I'll provide a handful of one-liners to get my mind in order.
Loudmouth Slugger Luke Scott went to the Rays on a one-year contract
Brian Roberts, per doctor's orders, is skipping an upcoming autograph session...yes, giving autographs may be harmful to his recovery
Nick "The Franchise" Markakis is having surgery on his six-pack
Andy MacPhail is gone, and our new GM is Dan Duquette, who spent eight years with the Red Sux
Adam "Bubblegum" Jones is getting shopped (is this real life?)
Prince Fielder is nearly a Washington National, further stealing fans in our market
The New York Yankees still exist
77 year-old Commissioner, Bud Selig, signed on for another two years
Old people jokes remind me of JoePa
Our biggest acquisition this off-season is Tsuyoshi Wada, of the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks
Our second biggest acquisition is Wei-Yin Chen, of the Chunichi Dragons
Longtime Oriole, finger-wagging Raffy Palmeiro, received only 13 percent "yea" in the recent HOF vote
Ok, that news isn't the greatest. We've changed some, but that doesn't mean we've improved. Maybe Danny Duquette's Asian diplomacy program works, and these new guys can eat some innings. Maybe 'Kaks abs are fine for Opening Day, maybe B-Rob (the best Oriole of last decade) improves enough that he can play a little towards the end of the season, maybe Adam Jones remains an Oriole for another year. Maybe some sort of Mayan curse will descend on Yankee Stadium and remove that unholy stain from humanity. Maybe.
Last season our big pickup was the geriatric combo of Vlad and Derrick Lee, for which I prayed fervently, but this year I'm withholding hope. I know the Yankees and Sox haven't spent much this winter, but even so, we've done less. Even if we pitch slightly better this year, we'll score less runs without the upgrade of a bat and the loss of whatever Scott/Vlad/Lee/Roberts could provide.
We won't be .500 this year. Maybe somehow we'll win a couple more games, but I'm not going to naively suggest that we'll somehow figure things out and make a wild card run. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.
THE UGLY
Mike Flanagan was a good man. Peter Gammons wrote about his pun-filled sense of humor, and fans everywhere remember him as a great Oriole pitcher. On August 24th of last year, in a state of despair over financial issues, and perhaps a feeling of failure after his stint as the Vice President of the O's, he used alcohol and a 12 gauge to take his life. He was 59 years old, leaving a wife and kids.
The season I worked for the O's, I passed Mike Flanagan a couple times in the hall as he went to the MASN booth. He was cordial and friendly in the ten seconds I interacted with him. He was more than his 167 wins and the Cy Young Award. He was passionate about the O's, and while I won't pretend I knew the guy, his time as a pitcher, a coach, an executive, and a broadcaster proves how much he cared for the Orioles family. I'm not going to speculate or comment further on the sad events, I just wanted to acknowledge Flanny's fine contribution and sad parting.
Ok, I realize this post is not all butterflies and daisies. This is the state of the Baltimore Orioles. It's not going to be pretty this year, but that's ok. We're in a holding pattern, playing a waiting game. Someday, many, many years from now, the Orioles will be a well-run organization that wins games. In the meantime, buy a hat with the new logo, enjoy a year of decline from the Yanks and Sux, and patiently wait for the dawning of a brighter day. In spite of all the doom and gloom, there are insanely cute things like this around...
Until next time
No comments:
Post a Comment